BPL BPL!

Buoyed by the recent success of IPL/KPL, the cricket fraternity of bangaloooruuu has decided to introduce a similar league. No points for guessing the name, it is BPL - Bendakaluooru Premier League. The CEO of the league was heard saying that Bangaloreans will have something else to look forward to, other than rain and traffic. He was saying this would revolutionize the game of cricket. The winds of street cricket, he said, would change dramatically. BPL, he said, would be the perfect blend of street cricket and professional cricket.

Since there are an infinite number of colonies/hallis/layouts there has been a huge demand from different associations to have their teams in BPL. However, to make it look like its bigger cousins, this league is going to have 8 teams only. Based on various factors like popular demand, bribe and traffic, the league has been short listed with the following 8 teams:
1. KORMANAGALA SHOPPERS - owned by shop-o-holics .
2. WHITEFIELD ITs- owned by cab drivers
3. BASVANAGUDI OLDIES - owned by PPF¹

4. BELLANDUR LAKERS - owned by the ones who are encroaching the lake
5. BOMMANAHALLI BOMBS - owned by owners of firecracker companies from HOSUR
6. ISRO LAYOUT SCIENTISTS - owned by ex-members of ICC²
7. RAJAJINAGAR STONERS - owned by members of KRV
8. BTM JAMMERS - owned by wonderful citizens who are stuck in the BTM traffic jam

BPL will be the title sponsor for this league. So league will be called "BPL BPL" .

The Unique features of “BPL BPL” are as follows:
• Shared playground - a minimum of four matches will be held at a time.
• Stationary wickets- Trees/ electric poles will be used as wickets at one end.(stones at the other).
• No changeover - there will be no changeover after every over
• Bouncy balls - cricket will be played with Wilson ball/tennis ball
• Live auction - Players are auctioned in the playground before a match
• Hard outfield - we will ensure there is no grass anywhere in the ground.
• Joker - a designated player can play for both the teams(in case there are odd number of players).
• Current - the bowler only needs to have contact with the wicket on his side(stone) to effect a run and does not have to remove the bails (as there are none in the first place!)
• Live rules - rules can be modified according to the situation and only mutual agreement between the teams in necessary
• Varied Clothing - believing in diversity every team member can wear clothes of his choice.
Also, due to the overwhelming response received from sponsors following awards are to be given:
• Best fielder - decided by the dirtiest clothes sponsored by Manjunath laundry.
• Super sixer - decided by the broken window glass - sponsored by pakkada mane aunty.
•BPL man of the match - to be given to the person watching the match.

Additionally, Water is supplied by borewell, beverages by ‘kakan anagadi’.

Meanwhile, it is also heard that school children are planning to hold a massive rally to protest the incursion of ‘corporates’ into their game. They were heard saying that this would destroy the very fabric of street cricket. The CEO of BPL BPL was, however, unavailable for comment.


1: PPF – Public Provident Fund
2: ICC – ISROLayout Cricket Club

How to get curses from more than fifty thousand people?

Wake up a person in deep slumber, you are bound to get curses from him.

No of people: 1

If you are playing street cricket make sure you hit the glass window of a house.

No of people: at least 1, possibly more

Overtake a vehicle and break hard.

No of people: at least 1, possibly more

If you are in a apartment and in any floor above ground, start dancing when the folks in the floor below are sleeping.

No of people: Depends on whether it is a nuclear family ..

Throw garbage from your apartment onto unsuspecting pedestrians.

No of people: Depending on the number of people on the street

Make your office cab(with lot of people inside) wait for you.

No of people: Many

Play a himesh reshammiya song in a office party

No of people: Depending on no of people in your office party!

Make sure your car breaks down in a key intersection during peak traffic hours, causing massive traffic jam.

No of people: hundreds to thousands

Cut the power in an entire area during the last over of a exicting cricket match

No of people: Many thousands

Finally, the best way to get loads of curses is to upload a fake video under the name of a recent

blockbuster movie on youtube.

Ex:check the comments sections of this youtube video http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sKvW-6iJ9eA&feature=fvw

A complete idiot's guide to survival in bangalore traffic (Pedestrian version)

Note: The contents of this blog is not a pure work of pure fiction. It is actually a guide..err.i mean a almost real one.

As promised eons ago, here is the pedestrian version

1. First,it is very important that you understand your position in traffic ecosystem; you are a third class citizen in this ecosystem, just slightly better than the disabled, the old and the very young.( No offence to any of them if they are reading my blog).
2. Next, footpaths , if they exist, are not meant exclusively for pedestrians ; any other members of the traffic ecosystem may use it.So, next time, for example, if you see a two wheeler on a footpath don't scream your lungs out. However, if that 'act' is meant to be a stress buster then you are most welcome to do it. A little screaming wont make any difference to the din outside.
3. Also, please be aware you can get killed anytime!. I really mean anytime. A two wheeler, car, or a lorry may run over you even if you were just standing and weren't crossing the road.
4. However,the most important thing to keep in my mind is don't be afraid.Think you own the road.Walk as if bangalore is owned by your father.The other members of the ecosystem give you respect only when you look & act - rude and arrogant.
5. Moreover,there are two ways to cross the road.The first one is 'run for your life'.I think this one is pretty self explanatory.The disadvantage of this method is - if you are not fit enough to make the dash you will be run over.The other one is 'the matrix method'. In this one you have to think you are the chosen one and think you are living in a matrix. All you need to do is show your palm and slowly walk across the road. Slower the better.Also, make sure you never hurry and never blink a eye if even a fast moving truck is coming at you.This method works most of the time,however, the times that it did not -you will not live to tell the sorry tale.
6. Just like the real power of democracy lies in numbers,the real power for a pedestrian comes from having company, more the merrier. If it is a small road , a group of 5 can easily occupy half the road if they walk hand in hand and next to each other.You become all powerful with such a group. You can walk,dance and do whatever you want on the bangalore roads.
7. If you feel like you want to take revenge on members in the upper cadre of traffic ecosystem join some political or pseudo- political organizations.Organize a protest, preferably on a monday morning during peak traffic.Make sure you block the roads, then depending on the nature of the protests you can either scream or dance or smile at all those people stuck in the jam.
8. When it rains heavily, like the past few days, venture out at your own risk. Apart from the usual threats from the members of the traffic ecosystem, you would also be subject to new threats: a open manhole to drown, a open drain to get washed away, a hanging wire to either hang or get electrocuted,a falling tree branch to break you head,a complete tree or a pole to look like a dead character from tarantino movies.
9. Also, note that new additions to your bangalore infrastructure: -flyover, underpass, elevated roads- are not meant for pedestrians. They are for vehicles only.None of the methods which i described would help in your survival up or down there.
10. Lastly,if you have crossed the ocean and seen places where there are rules for pedestrians and hope to follow them here then you are liable to be called a 'fool'. Jay walking is the norm and if you don't want to do it, you are not going home as you would never cross a bangalorean road!

ps:biker's version for reference - >http://kelarappakeli.blogspot.com/2008/12/complete-idiots-guide-to-survival-in.html

New syllabus for NCERT 1st std maths

NCERT syllabus revision committee has decided to update the defunct syllabus for 1st standard Math's . Here are the excerpts from the press conference in which the chairman of the committee, Prof. Gupta, briefed the press about the dramatic changes being introduced.

 

Prof: Good afternoon, we have decided to bring whole scale changes to NCERT Math's 1st std text book. We believe that the fresh and young minds of our great country need to be taught for the real world. We believe the current textbook, titled ' Maths-magic' is a misnomer as it is not teaching any magic tricks. Hence, committee has unanimously decided to include famous math's magic tricks of this decade like the one where one can vanish Rupees 74 billion into thin air.

 

(Thunderous applause is heard from the audience)

Prof: (Continuing..)  Thank you, thank you. To do fraud, your basics should be strong. We believe in inculcating the same to the fresh minds of 1st standard. Current chapters on addition, subtraction will be modified. We are introducing several new techniques which will ensure our students will get both right answer and fraud answer for addition/subtraction. Also, it has been decided to call addition as 'credit' and subtraction as 'debit'. Our students will only be taught numbers in terms of billions ... 1 billion, 2 billion etc... Several practical exercises will also be conducted where each student will be asked to count the number of people in class and give both the correct count and the 'fraud' count. This is the beginning we hope to perfect the art of teaching fraud to the bright young minds of our country. Any questions?

(Suddenly, half a dozen hands went up..) 

Reporter 1: Sir, what about ethical issues?

 Prof: You have not understood the whole purpose of this new framework. The idea is to ensure our next generation does not understand such words. We need 1000 R.Raju's to build this nation.

Reporter 2: Sir, how will wrong addition/subtraction help in committing a fraud. Isn't it much more complex.

Prof: (Smiling).. It is also 1st std son. We will build on this in higher classes. We will teach how to create  benami accounts, forge documents and  cheques in higher classes. This we are hoping will be a stepping stone to new wave of fraud in our country,

Reporter 1:  Sir,  it is great to finally see our curriculum managing to keep up with the times. Considering the fact that all of you math's professors are not trained in this new field of 'fraud' ,how do u expect to be able to frame the syllabus.

Prof:  We have R.Raju in our committee

(That silenced everyone and was the end of press conference and dawn of a new age of fraud......).