The Unfortunate Tale of Two States

Chetan Bhagat in his "Two States" left out unwanted side effects of national integration. Having been married for close to two years,i can probably give a better insight to the same. National integration is supposed to happen through a process of dialogue. However, more likely it turns to an argument - like many of the other arguments,a married couple might have.

National integration is easy through marriages as Chetan Bhagat rightly pointed out but it leads to very interesting unsolvable unwanted unending unbearable unimaginable arguments such as the one me and my wife were having.

The argument as many others begins harmlessly centered around a Youtube video. Although the background for this argument is very complex, to keep it simple let me just say my wife despises every Kannada movie ever made. Also for some reason, she hates Upendra. In order to solve these complex issues, I chanced upon an idea of showing a Kannada movie made in late 80s made by the guru of Upendra  to  both prove that Upendra came with the right grooming and Kannada movies had a sense of originality.


In this pursuit,I found a  movie in where there was a Kannada song 'Messe hotha gandasighe demandapo'.
(Kannada Link ->No more..
Ps: This kannada video has been pulled down for copyright infringement further complicating matters).

Within a day or two in a Facebook message, my wife showed me the same song in Telugu with the same dance sequences, same playback singer albeit a different but according to her better actor.

The argument on my side was that the Kannada movie was made first and the song was flicked in its entirety into the Telugu movie. My better half believed in the exact opposite. Like any other argument we have, where debates and discussions cannnot be concluded, we had to take the help of Mr.Google and Mr.Wiki. Unfortunately, in this case, the only information available was that both movies were made in the same year and thats where the information trail in the web world ended. So where does this leave us?

We were left only with two options. One was a blog post and second was a snail mail to S.P. Balasubramanyam the playback singer, Kashinath the Kannada actor and Rajendra Prasad, the Telugu hero.

Here is us hoping that somebody can help us in our relentless pursuit of national integration....

BPL BPL!

Buoyed by the recent success of IPL/KPL, the cricket fraternity of bangaloooruuu has decided to introduce a similar league. No points for guessing the name, it is BPL - Bendakaluooru Premier League. The CEO of the league was heard saying that Bangaloreans will have something else to look forward to, other than rain and traffic. He was saying this would revolutionize the game of cricket. The winds of street cricket, he said, would change dramatically. BPL, he said, would be the perfect blend of street cricket and professional cricket.

Since there are an infinite number of colonies/hallis/layouts there has been a huge demand from different associations to have their teams in BPL. However, to make it look like its bigger cousins, this league is going to have 8 teams only. Based on various factors like popular demand, bribe and traffic, the league has been short listed with the following 8 teams:
1. KORMANAGALA SHOPPERS - owned by shop-o-holics .
2. WHITEFIELD ITs- owned by cab drivers
3. BASVANAGUDI OLDIES - owned by PPF¹

4. BELLANDUR LAKERS - owned by the ones who are encroaching the lake
5. BOMMANAHALLI BOMBS - owned by owners of firecracker companies from HOSUR
6. ISRO LAYOUT SCIENTISTS - owned by ex-members of ICC²
7. RAJAJINAGAR STONERS - owned by members of KRV
8. BTM JAMMERS - owned by wonderful citizens who are stuck in the BTM traffic jam

BPL will be the title sponsor for this league. So league will be called "BPL BPL" .

The Unique features of “BPL BPL” are as follows:
• Shared playground - a minimum of four matches will be held at a time.
• Stationary wickets- Trees/ electric poles will be used as wickets at one end.(stones at the other).
• No changeover - there will be no changeover after every over
• Bouncy balls - cricket will be played with Wilson ball/tennis ball
• Live auction - Players are auctioned in the playground before a match
• Hard outfield - we will ensure there is no grass anywhere in the ground.
• Joker - a designated player can play for both the teams(in case there are odd number of players).
• Current - the bowler only needs to have contact with the wicket on his side(stone) to effect a run and does not have to remove the bails (as there are none in the first place!)
• Live rules - rules can be modified according to the situation and only mutual agreement between the teams in necessary
• Varied Clothing - believing in diversity every team member can wear clothes of his choice.
Also, due to the overwhelming response received from sponsors following awards are to be given:
• Best fielder - decided by the dirtiest clothes sponsored by Manjunath laundry.
• Super sixer - decided by the broken window glass - sponsored by pakkada mane aunty.
•BPL man of the match - to be given to the person watching the match.

Additionally, Water is supplied by borewell, beverages by ‘kakan anagadi’.

Meanwhile, it is also heard that school children are planning to hold a massive rally to protest the incursion of ‘corporates’ into their game. They were heard saying that this would destroy the very fabric of street cricket. The CEO of BPL BPL was, however, unavailable for comment.


1: PPF – Public Provident Fund
2: ICC – ISROLayout Cricket Club

How to get curses from more than fifty thousand people?

Wake up a person in deep slumber, you are bound to get curses from him.

No of people: 1

If you are playing street cricket make sure you hit the glass window of a house.

No of people: at least 1, possibly more

Overtake a vehicle and break hard.

No of people: at least 1, possibly more

If you are in a apartment and in any floor above ground, start dancing when the folks in the floor below are sleeping.

No of people: Depends on whether it is a nuclear family ..

Throw garbage from your apartment onto unsuspecting pedestrians.

No of people: Depending on the number of people on the street

Make your office cab(with lot of people inside) wait for you.

No of people: Many

Play a himesh reshammiya song in a office party

No of people: Depending on no of people in your office party!

Make sure your car breaks down in a key intersection during peak traffic hours, causing massive traffic jam.

No of people: hundreds to thousands

Cut the power in an entire area during the last over of a exicting cricket match

No of people: Many thousands

Finally, the best way to get loads of curses is to upload a fake video under the name of a recent

blockbuster movie on youtube.

Ex:check the comments sections of this youtube video http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sKvW-6iJ9eA&feature=fvw

A complete idiot's guide to survival in bangalore traffic (Pedestrian version)

Note: The contents of this blog is not a pure work of pure fiction. It is actually a guide..err.i mean a almost real one.

As promised eons ago, here is the pedestrian version

1. First,it is very important that you understand your position in traffic ecosystem; you are a third class citizen in this ecosystem, just slightly better than the disabled, the old and the very young.( No offence to any of them if they are reading my blog).
2. Next, footpaths , if they exist, are not meant exclusively for pedestrians ; any other members of the traffic ecosystem may use it.So, next time, for example, if you see a two wheeler on a footpath don't scream your lungs out. However, if that 'act' is meant to be a stress buster then you are most welcome to do it. A little screaming wont make any difference to the din outside.
3. Also, please be aware you can get killed anytime!. I really mean anytime. A two wheeler, car, or a lorry may run over you even if you were just standing and weren't crossing the road.
4. However,the most important thing to keep in my mind is don't be afraid.Think you own the road.Walk as if bangalore is owned by your father.The other members of the ecosystem give you respect only when you look & act - rude and arrogant.
5. Moreover,there are two ways to cross the road.The first one is 'run for your life'.I think this one is pretty self explanatory.The disadvantage of this method is - if you are not fit enough to make the dash you will be run over.The other one is 'the matrix method'. In this one you have to think you are the chosen one and think you are living in a matrix. All you need to do is show your palm and slowly walk across the road. Slower the better.Also, make sure you never hurry and never blink a eye if even a fast moving truck is coming at you.This method works most of the time,however, the times that it did not -you will not live to tell the sorry tale.
6. Just like the real power of democracy lies in numbers,the real power for a pedestrian comes from having company, more the merrier. If it is a small road , a group of 5 can easily occupy half the road if they walk hand in hand and next to each other.You become all powerful with such a group. You can walk,dance and do whatever you want on the bangalore roads.
7. If you feel like you want to take revenge on members in the upper cadre of traffic ecosystem join some political or pseudo- political organizations.Organize a protest, preferably on a monday morning during peak traffic.Make sure you block the roads, then depending on the nature of the protests you can either scream or dance or smile at all those people stuck in the jam.
8. When it rains heavily, like the past few days, venture out at your own risk. Apart from the usual threats from the members of the traffic ecosystem, you would also be subject to new threats: a open manhole to drown, a open drain to get washed away, a hanging wire to either hang or get electrocuted,a falling tree branch to break you head,a complete tree or a pole to look like a dead character from tarantino movies.
9. Also, note that new additions to your bangalore infrastructure: -flyover, underpass, elevated roads- are not meant for pedestrians. They are for vehicles only.None of the methods which i described would help in your survival up or down there.
10. Lastly,if you have crossed the ocean and seen places where there are rules for pedestrians and hope to follow them here then you are liable to be called a 'fool'. Jay walking is the norm and if you don't want to do it, you are not going home as you would never cross a bangalorean road!

ps:biker's version for reference - >http://kelarappakeli.blogspot.com/2008/12/complete-idiots-guide-to-survival-in.html

New syllabus for NCERT 1st std maths

NCERT syllabus revision committee has decided to update the defunct syllabus for 1st standard Math's . Here are the excerpts from the press conference in which the chairman of the committee, Prof. Gupta, briefed the press about the dramatic changes being introduced.

 

Prof: Good afternoon, we have decided to bring whole scale changes to NCERT Math's 1st std text book. We believe that the fresh and young minds of our great country need to be taught for the real world. We believe the current textbook, titled ' Maths-magic' is a misnomer as it is not teaching any magic tricks. Hence, committee has unanimously decided to include famous math's magic tricks of this decade like the one where one can vanish Rupees 74 billion into thin air.

 

(Thunderous applause is heard from the audience)

Prof: (Continuing..)  Thank you, thank you. To do fraud, your basics should be strong. We believe in inculcating the same to the fresh minds of 1st standard. Current chapters on addition, subtraction will be modified. We are introducing several new techniques which will ensure our students will get both right answer and fraud answer for addition/subtraction. Also, it has been decided to call addition as 'credit' and subtraction as 'debit'. Our students will only be taught numbers in terms of billions ... 1 billion, 2 billion etc... Several practical exercises will also be conducted where each student will be asked to count the number of people in class and give both the correct count and the 'fraud' count. This is the beginning we hope to perfect the art of teaching fraud to the bright young minds of our country. Any questions?

(Suddenly, half a dozen hands went up..) 

Reporter 1: Sir, what about ethical issues?

 Prof: You have not understood the whole purpose of this new framework. The idea is to ensure our next generation does not understand such words. We need 1000 R.Raju's to build this nation.

Reporter 2: Sir, how will wrong addition/subtraction help in committing a fraud. Isn't it much more complex.

Prof: (Smiling).. It is also 1st std son. We will build on this in higher classes. We will teach how to create  benami accounts, forge documents and  cheques in higher classes. This we are hoping will be a stepping stone to new wave of fraud in our country,

Reporter 1:  Sir,  it is great to finally see our curriculum managing to keep up with the times. Considering the fact that all of you math's professors are not trained in this new field of 'fraud' ,how do u expect to be able to frame the syllabus.

Prof:  We have R.Raju in our committee

(That silenced everyone and was the end of press conference and dawn of a new age of fraud......).

Top 10 unwanted advices from people that I either didn't know or barely knew! - Part II

(Continuing from the last post….)

If you have not read part-I check here

 

6) After receiving the life insurance policy from the agent he advising me," Now, Mr.Praveen you can get married!" .( Hmm.s..sir, if u marry without an insurance policy there is no motivation for your wife to murder you...in short he is asking me to get married and killed!). 

7) On seeing my hair at the fag  end-of-2 month hair cut cycle, when it is a little long I got this advice from a distant relative ( deciphering the distance is a NP hard problem) "If your hair is long all the food you eat gets sucked up there and that is why you are thin. Keep your hair short to become fatter."

( Yes...why do we need to study biology in school when we get such gems from such folks. How logical it is…The food you eat get sucked up by the hair and then out!..Get rid of the rest of the organs for the excretion system I say!..also..if you see any long haired human being tell them this..plz spread such wisdom) 

8)  In order to pickup my extremely valuable VTU marks card (with useless marks ofcourse!) I had to go to our PESIT office. Therein lay an amazing character, a true bureaucrat, a boisterous almost senile old lady. She was unfortunately in charge of the “mark cards”. In order to pickup the marks card one had to sign in a really big fat register. However, in order to sign, one unfortunately needs a pen which at this opportune moment happened to be missing. In order to escape another ordeal to PESIT office I asked for the pen from madamji.( cardinal sin it was). Advice naturally followed which was as below:

" Ninnage tale sariyagilla. Yaake odake barthya .Manelli kuthko...Pen ellade en madthya collge alli..swapla nu sense illa.idiot.!." 

English translation: "Your head is not right. Why do u come to study(here) ?.Sit in the house. Without pen, what are you doing in the college? You have no sense, idiot. "  

(Absolute idiot to be even asking her..could not agree more!) 

 9) In an office party a drunk met-only-two-times before colleague comes to me. On finding I have not drunk any forms of alcohol nor I intend to do he was surprised and gave the following advice, “ Grow up, high time you started drinking. If you don’t start now, when will you?....if you are avoiding drinking because of health issues...look at me!. Drinking in fact makes you stronger..”

(yes sirji, drinking certainly makes u strongly funny;gives me a good laugh and hence, keeps me healthy. So ji ..plz drink more.. let me just watch!)

 10)    While trying to  get medical certificate for bunking college for preparing for CAT I had this gem of advice from the doctor. “You want to do a MBA..ha ha..To do an MBA you need to be fit.You need to become stronger young man..”

( yes doc, in MBA they teach management principles by asking us to lift weights of  40 kgs. Theory x says you can pick up 25 kgs but you wont and theory Y says you want to pick up 27kgs when you can do 25kgs etc..)

 Ps: As the tag line of a recent ad goes “zindagi me bahut saara advice muft  me miltha hain.” We Indians tend to advise at the drop of a hat. I think our generation as we grow older must try to refrain from treading the same path that our elders have followed.

Top 10 unwanted advices from people that I either didn't know or barely knew! - Part I

1) Just after a few days after my CET counseling, a guest of  my neighbor telling me "You are stupid-u to choose software; no future in software, only hardware'. (I hope he was not referring to 'Hardware shops')

 2) Banyan tree Gowaramma on my very first visit to her shop asking me  to "Eat more!." 

3) From a roadside second hand book-seller while purchasing a book on c++..(stroustrup it was)..."You are outdated siru, no c,c+ only javaaa. Also this book is not a textbook. why you buy this? "..

 

4)  On being unable to produce a emission certificate, after being stopped by traffic cop in front of SAP Teched convention , I had the following interesting conversation:

 Me:  Sir, no emission certificate..

VDC (Very-delighted-cop ) : hmm..odutha eddiya athva kelsa madtha eddiya .

English translation of VDC: Are u studying or working?  [ well ,we Indians are not supposed to study for anything except for a degree.Hence ,college goers are termed as 'studying' and for some strange reason other adults are branded as 'workers' . (Valle communist country namadu!) ].

 Me: Sir, kelsa maduthaeddine.

English translation of  ME: Sir, I am working ( first mistake)

VDC: softwareaaa ( bloody he caught me in front of SAP conference , these questions must be just for kicks )

 Me: houdu sir , addee 

English translation of  ME: Yes, sir, samething

VDC:  Ninge swalpa nu sense illa .Educateds agi hega madodu . Emission certificate madasabeku antha gothagalla..

 English translation of VDC:You dont have even a little sense.As an educated is this what you do ? [ Note: Educateds are supposed to be all-knowing gurus of everything, anything else you will have to face such music ].Don't you know you have to get your emisson done..?

ME: Sir, how much is the fine? I will pay it in full. ( 2nd mistake)

 And then the advice began,

 VDC:  Nange nin tarane erruva makalu eddare . Nimge yella duddina value ne gothilla.  Neevu namma tara  kelsa madabeku, gourment-alli ,aga gothagethe doodu andre enu antha..

 English translation of VDC: I have sons like you.All you people don't know the value of money.Like me you should also work in government  then you would know the value of money. ( yes sir, government jobs like the ones he has are very lucrative.I should be changing my career and become a traffic cop!)

And then after this advise he said pay me only half the fine amount without the receipt of course and gleefully accepted the honest bribe.

5) In the barber shop while my moustache was getting shaved , a person sitting in adjacent seat ,losing hair like me, saying " All guys need to have moustaches.". I initially thought he was thinking aloud, but he left room for no doubt pointing to me and repeating the same thing. ( With the blade near the face i decided it was wise to shut up rather than trying to respond and in turn in some bizarre accident ending up losing my nose).

( To be continued....)