When Miss maya met vobamma!

Vobamma ( not to be confused with local connotations of the same i.e. vob amma, o -bamma etc) on his maiden visit to India ,like those before him, was getting his photo taken in front of Taj Mahal.In an completely unexpected turn of events, miss Maya on her fund raising exercise in the Taj corridor, encountered Vobamma.

Please note :The following conversation that happened is strictly confidential.Please disclose it the risk of falling in a Jail anywhere from UP to the other side of the world.For the benefit of my fellow blog readers ,the conversation has been reproduced with translations of what miss Maya spoke in hindi to Local's English.

MM (Miss Maya) : Good Morning vobamma sirji.
Vob ( Vobamma): A very Good morning to you too miss.But, i frankly don't need any guide. Madam president was kind enough to do the honors.
MM (Getting a little angry but managing to keep the temper in control) :
No sirji..You are mistaken..I guess like me ,you also don't read much newspaper.I am "Vobamma of the east"
Vob ( Slightly disturbed this comparison.but trying to be his polished best continues): Hmm..I am sorry i was not aware of this.It is such an honor to meet you.But,i am just a little curious to what you do and how this name was bestowed upon you ?
MM:(Voice little raised) : I am the one and only miss maya ,the leader of all oppressed class and brahhmins.
Vob (More confused): I am ..sorry did not get the last part ..Are you from Bahamas ?
MM ( in her fiery speech mode): Listen now!I am Behenji? I am the future of this country.I am the harbinger of change.Unlike you i alone can change everything.A few miles from here i can make you a prisoner.
Vob (Now getting a little worried that he might have met a terrorist tries to calm things) : Oh..ok..great to hear that..Change is something i greatly believe in.It is time to change.I wish you all the best.(Trying the escape route).
MM: yes..you should see my statues instead of seeing Tombs..i have many..you should also visit my birthday bash..you can see how people chant my name..Infact if i had my way i would have demolished this place..but what to do there is another madamji in my way..otherwise..(lifting her finger)
Vob:(who had hoped after hallirey, he will get to meet less threatening women was now facing a unparalleled nightmare..he was even more scared of another figure madamji) Huh.ok..great to meet..you..i need to catch a flight..hope we dont meet again..bye
Vob then made a fleeting exit.

And thus two changes had a falling out..with one threatening to put the former in jail if any sign of the same was found in her territory.

little smartu America gou

Scene :Some arbit Gruhapravesham . Me accompanying dad on this voyage. Dad goes inside. Me sitting in a chair desperately waiting for lunch.Old gentleman comes and sits next to me and stares at me for about 5 minutes.I trying to avoid his gaze and then it starts..


NP( Nosy Prick): U narayana swamy's sonu ?
ME: Guilty as chargedu..
NP: what u saidu?
ME: Me Narayana swamy's sonu..( damn..no sense of humor)
NP: U r first sonu or second sonu ?
ME: First from lastu...(as i remembered he was humor senseless)..I quickly said secondu
NP: Where is he ?
ME: ( I am presuming 'he' now refers to firstu or father..i assume it is father and a golden oppurtunity to get out of the conversation)..father is somewhere insidu..shall i call himu ( i am like plz say 'yes')
NP:No..No..ur elder brotheru..
ME: ( In this very instant..who knows..who knows wat and all he does or doesnot) Nowu ?
NP: (annoyed) yes..yes..nowu.
ME: somewhere in usu..
NP:( face suddenly bright..he is all exicited)..u all people little smartu America gou..
ME: (damn u!..oldman..I am sitting in India..the guy who needs to answer this question is not here..I then made the first mistake of defending my bro)..No uncle,the educational institutes here are not as good as the one's their. So it makes more sense to go there and study.After u do that u realize there are no jobs in india for what u study so u will have to end up doing a job there.But the trend is going to change ( is changing) as better oppurtunities are created in India.
NP: (all along trying to interrupt to what i was saying blurts) What bangalore eductation no goodu( damn u..i was not even refering to bangalore i was talking abt the whole country)...who saidu..bangalore bestu..all s/w company hereu..all coming here.all worldu here.. ( With a winning smile)..( Dude s/w companies are not where u study)
ME: ( given up..now tried to employ different tatics)..Uncleu i am still in India..i have not decided wheather i will go for higher studies to US or not..
( i was hoping he would now say sorry atleast but it turned out to be the second mistake i made)
NP: U all tellu like that..and gou..all sameu little smartu America gou..
ME:(Take my mobile out of my pocket and press the first number on the contact list and tell uncleu)..someone is calling me unclu..execuse me..
NP: I heard no ringu..
ME: silent modeu..( then i start speaking)..hello dude how are u?
Guy on the other end of line: Dude you are calling me after 3 years
ME: First number i could dial da..have some mercy..
.......

A tale of Banyan Tree Gowaramma and Credit crisis!

Under a banyan tree ,under a translucent roof sits Gowaramma. She sits there all day. No, she is not Gautama Buddha reincarnation. She might ,in fact, be an antithesis of him. She is boisterous, loud and continuously speaking. A master of at least 5 languages ,she never misses a conversation. We will get back to her in sometime.

First ,the question - how do I know her? .The answer is simple - One of the unwanted side effects of staying in Bellandur has been to conjure a night meal. So this endeavor of night meals ensues that I buy some vegetables.( With reference to previous post I must add that I cannot cook food of ‘other’ kind ). So the first thing I did in my fresher heydays as cook was that I went to Subhiksha to buy up the vegetables. For the uninitiated /uninformed visitors I must add that is a retail chain. The chain has a very efficient supply chain (has no go downs -they replenish goods only when they can, not when they should) which allows it to sell at lower prices than its competitors ( supposedly ). But, the net effect of it’s optimization and cost cutting principles is that you almost never find whatever you are looking for whenever you go. (Maybe Murphy’s law also plays a helping hand).So, after the frustrations( less said about the cashier’s the better) in this only neighborhood retail store ( Other stores were/are a couple of Kms away and as a lazy soul was out of question)I had to venture to more exotic truly Indian options. A couple of years ago when I moved to this place the footpaths were filled by this exotic varieties – the footpath stores. However, with time most of them vanished giving way for bigger shops that refused to have their footpaths be blocked. But, the banyan tree was an exception. Cutting a banyan tree is out of question (thankfully) in this part of the world. So, the footpath stores remained there. Among them was one run by the person I was referring to above. I found the vegetables to be little fresher ( in the opinion of inexperienced cook).Also, prices better than our cheaper neighborhood store. There was however a far more important reason why I probably went there. I was always recognized every time I went there and every time she use to add a little more to whatever I take. For ex: After the weighing machine showed a kg of beans. She used to add a little more and say this is for “you”. “Eat more “. ( She has not seen my FAQ evidently).Although she probably does this to every one chivalry always works . She always used to say I am giving you whatever I might be buying at a special price. She always used to quote the regular price and the special price.(When someone says ‘a special price for you’, would you bargain.?!). I always ended up buying the vegetables under the banyan tree.

This has happened many a times in the last year and half .My attempt to conjure up a night meal always started under the banyan tree. However, this week I found her place to be closed. I had never witnessed anything of that sort but I thought it must one odd day off. But this continued for the next two days. I began to doubt if she had closed down. However much to my glee I found it open yesterday. I went to buy my share of vegetables. I found her to be extremely dull and down in dumps kind. I asked her what happened?. I am pretty sure she had to repeat this story but she still had some enthusiasm left in her to d o so. She had a ‘credit crisis’. She used to buy up vegetables in the morning on credit the money for which she used to return the next day. However, with a bad ‘lending’ market and her inability to return the money her credit facility was hit. (Very ironic how her problem mirrors the one’s in other parts of the world). The second problem she faced is of a fixed lending credit. She gets 5000 rupees of credit. So if the prices of vegetables go up, her purchasing power comes down. The next problem for her is the inherent problem of keeping perishable goods. The unpredictable buying patterns hits her very hard. She has an extremely complex problem everyday morning she has to second guess the buying patterns of her customers. The only information she has is the prices at which she gets the vegetables .Well coming back to the question of her disappearance she said she had to look for another creditor.( I am pretty sure she is heavily in debt). On hearing all this the very existence of her footpath store under the banyan tree seems like a miracle. I know the day will not be far off where she has to close for real. Her secret of survival has been her amazing marketing abilities. She first second guesses the language of the buyer. Speaks in the native language of the buyer. Always suggesting what to buy ( which would be the one which is not selling). She smartly deals with hard bargaining by the customer. She has at least two techniques – she tries the inflation one mostly these days..saying it is incredulous to even suggest a lower prices. Other one is probably by camouflaging prices by giving instant offers she comes up with offers like you buy 2 kg of this and that I will give you at this price. Also, I am pretty sure her weighing scales are skewed and her skillful handling of it helps offset the bargains to selling price. It will be a great loss when retail revolution intensifies to lose such street smart ,natural ,shrewd marketing talent. I know it is the will of free market she has to go.( @bro : if you are reading the blog, I have not forgotten me arguing in favor of free markets passionately last week and i still subscribe to the same views).
But, it will be sad for at least some more time as we would be left with mechanical cashiers and speech impaired helpers in the new age shopping malls.I remember once being asked to tender a exact change. ( which I of course I never had) .I said I did not have and said I can give my card. But I was told that the we don’t accept cards below a ‘x’ amount. I wryly asked “should I produce some coins”, to which without a smile I was told “I don’t know I want exact change”. I also offered to buy up ‘anything’ which would at least ensure that no change was paid back to me. To which I was told the bill has been printed and could not be modified. I of course left the shop without much ado without buying anything. I know such stores will get eliminated by free market. But, currently the retail chains seem to be still have scores of people who are like the ones described above. I know things are not as bad as mentioned always but pretty close. Hopefully an entrepreneur will come along and use the Midas touch of this street smart people like Gowaramma for their retail chains. Until then I will like the rest of the world keep hoping the “credit crisis” goes away.!

Praveen’s FAQ

In order to save time for everybody (and myself? –Doesn’t everybody include me?).

1)You have become thinner than the last time.

Although this is more of a statement than a question, I would like to add that ‘you’ had told the same the last time we had met. Assuming ‘you’ always speak the truth I should be becoming thinner every time we meet. If you still have not found the fallacy yet mister. I cannot help you but can only tell you the same thing I always tell when I happen to meet you “No, I weigh exactly the same”.


2)Why are you so thin?

If this is what u meant in question # 1 here is your answer. Please come to my ‘home’ and have a look at all the specimens around .If you find someone looking fatter than me we can discuss next time when we meet.

3)Why do you eat so less?

Refer next question.

4)How come you eat so much?

I have an invisible stomach whatever I eat goes there.This also explains why I am thin. For people with question # 3 give me a free lunch and then ask question # 4.

5)Where do you live?
Question depends on time and day of the week.

6)I meant where is your home?

Question depends on time and day of the week.

7)Damn..err..i did not get you..
On weekdays and during non-office hours there is a good probability that I can be found in a tiny house in Bellandur. Similarly on weekends there is a good probability you can find me in my house in ISRO Layout ( Technically my parent’s house).

8)Why so serious…?

I hope you are not the Joker. But if I am working in office I am looking forward to finish the work and make a run for the exit.The facial expression also depends on how much I abhor my work. Being a software engineer such work follows.

9)You hardly speak

Refer answer for Q 11.

10)You speak.

Refer answer for Q11.

11)You speak too much.

It depends on how well you know me and at times how many times I am interrupted and many a times the intellectual capabilities of my listener.

12)Why are you so fair?

I am actually very unfair if you happen to know me. But if the question had anything to do with my skin color I will let you in on a little secret. When I was born my mother painted my face with Asian Paints white emulsion. If you happened to see the ads of the same you would know that “it lasts really long” and it is weather proof also.
If you have any more questions on the same my mom could help you ,she would not mind divulging any such trade secrets.

13)Your hair is jet black.

Black paint..so easy.

14)Why do u keep smiling?
I hope you meet the person who asked question #:8 that would really save me time. But, since it is a FAQ let me tell you that I am a lazy bum. Whenever I see somebody instead of waving hand, saying ‘hello’, ‘good morning’ , I smile. It is a lazy man’s way of saying whatever is meant to be said at that particular moment. You could make a mental note that I am dumb if it helps you.


15)Your social skills looks challenged at times.
I am lazy.Which part did u not get ?. Saying Too many good mornings makes my day a bad morning..OK.

16)How was the pooja yesterday ( next day after a festival). ?

I am an Atheist. ….If you did not get it.. dictionary helps.
PS: Having an Atheist dad helps in having no pooja’s.

17)How many times did you give CAT?
I have forgotten to count ,but to be on the safer side can I say ‘several’ times..huh ok.?

18)Why does something happen to you around Exam time?

Maybe something happens to me all the time and exam comes in between. How does this sound ?

19)Why do you want to do a MBA?

This answer is saved for the interview. Sorry I can tell you next year maybe. (hopefully)

20)You are not to be seen on weekends?

Hope the last few questions helped you. If you want to see me then meet me in any of the mock CAT centers on Sundays. The probability of meeting me is very high.


21)How do u know so many ‘things’ about so many diverse topics?

I could be just knowing one topic more than you or I could be bluffing many topics I have no clue or I might actually be knowing something.( Knowing something probably means wikipedia or internet knowledge..hope u don’t plan to give me a exam .)

22)Why do you avoid weddings?

I hate everything except of course the food in weddings. So next time you invite me ensure that I first get to eat nice food after that I might just wish you and if am really feeling like a good Samaritan I might just give a gift (If I happen to remember). However the number one reasons for missing weddings would be that I am preoccupied with something else like the stupid ritual I follow on Sundays.


23)You never keep in touch with old friends.

Keeping touch was always mutual I thought.I think there are 2 guilty parties I am one but there must be someone else..if I am counting correctly.?


24)You don’t meet offline often.

Meeting folks happens to be elaborate exercise in negotiation skills – on time, date and venue. Since it has been proved that I am a habitually lazy guy ,show me some mercy. Meeting online happens to revolve around a few mouse clicks and keyboard which is easier?. Also, I am never overjoyed in any exercise which involves me driving my bike around half the city amidst the unending traffic mess ( Synonym: Bangalore as per oxford dictionary 2020 -). So here is the deal , do the planning make it a place not too far.( good food /free lunches can go a long way in improving my motivation levels), we shall meet I have no issues. I know it cannot be all about ‘ME’ but what to do. there is no laziness anonymous…so there is no other way.


25)You don’t drink any booze?

I don’t want to. Drink any alcohol..got it?..Dont ask me the same question when you are getting drunk again….


26)Do you eat any non veg?
Somebody decide to classify plants and animals and eating one as veg as non-veg. What should I do about i?.You would know both are living things if u had studied in school. U might ask me the question of ethics.Well what ethics is there in making paddy a crop and planting everywhere and then eating it. Well unless one can come up with completely synthetic food..everyone is ethically wrong to eat anything except salt. Also don’t give the explanation about how brutal and unhuman is it to slaughter animals. Yes of course the cries of an animal sound more cruel than the silent paddy which was also slaughtered. I do however agree that we should not eat any endangered living things( plant or animal). I also have no plans to eat any humans dead or alive. If you have still not got my answer, it is “I do “.
Ps:don’t even try the religion angle on this one on me.


27)You don’t dance.

Does jumping and howling count?..If not u have a challenge standing in front of you..Show some mercy ..teach!!.


If you have reached this point then it looks like you have a unanswered question. If so, shoot the question enough times I just might add it to my updated FAQ version ( whenever I actually decide to update).

Penned Up Emotion's

I am alone inside the dark cupboard. A thick layer of dust sits on me. All the fluid inside me has dried up. I am 'statue' for all practical purposes.But i am not a statue either. I am still alive. I can still be useful. In the hands of my master i can do many things. There was a time when my master used to use me,take care of me all the time. I am hero, was and still is.Now only in name. I still remember the day when i was picked up my master in the stationary shop.I was his first fountain pen.The very first!The unbridled joy and enthusiasm on his face still makes my day. .He was very young not more than 9 years old at that time.Initially he did not know how to fill the ink.He struggled for quite sometime. At times , his hands(eventually his face),shirt, hair were filled with ink stains. But overtime he mastered it. I was used for his Class work , Home Work, Unit Test, Class Tests, Mid term exam, Final exam and eventually even for the diaries he kept. His day began with me and ended with me. Then as he grew older he was introduced to my evil cousin ball point pen. They are useless bunch i tell you. They –use and throw types don't have a identity. I am pretty sure my master would have thrown loads of them in dustbin. However, those slim so called pens have destroyed our community. We are now relegated to the dark cupboard's. Only recently I heard there was a ad on the TV which involved one of members of the community. I hope the golden age will come back; at least for our community if not for me.

FuturePast!

Ravi was having a hard time sleeping. Infact it had been days since he had a good nap. He did not have any relationship problems, health problems nor anything out of the place in his room.But, Ravi still felt out of place.He felt like he was transported to another world.Infact it was more like one of those old black and white movies. He got up from his bed and went to the Window and looked outside from his 39th floor view. He  could see more than half the city, the place where he was born,grown up and lived all life. Once a view which captured the bustling city life now showed its exact opposite.World was dead outside, not from lack of people but from something else. That something else had been the heart of the civilzation for more than 150 years so much that its end  was unanticipated . Not completely though but still they had not prepared for it. It was always believed that it would last a few more years,few more months, and even in last hopeles hour people were hoping it would last a day. In disbelief of it's end there had been riots.( not the first one  on the same..last 5 years previous to that had witness quite a few).After, some senseless killings it finally dawned upon the humans that fighting,rioting would not get it back.Then, the whole world seemed to have become quite. The world which for ages was big was made small by that thing. The world was now back to it's old size.Distances mattered!.Again it was inconceivable to travel the seas.That something was "Fossil Fuels"..and that had crashed the world of so many peope like Ravi. Everybody had to travel back in time to past!

Resolution 2008

" He woke up to an irritating sound of dogs barking. He was very angry that municipal had not done enuf against stray dogs. The dog's barking irritated him so much that he lost his sleep entirely. He had a long day ahead of him, and this made his matters worse. It was 8:00 by the time newspaper was delivered. He lost his cool and blasted the paper boy.After he closed the door he was muttering to himself about 'how people in this country have no sense of time".. It was 9:00 by the time he finally got ready to head for his office in the so called "IT corridor".
It was 9:30 he was stuck in a jam .He could see a sea of cars,cabs,buses,two wheelers,autos,cabs everywhere. He was looking at the watch every two minutes hoping it would stop. He had a meeting at 10:30 ,having been late so many times before, could not afford to be late once more. He tried breaking through each jam speeding his bike as fast as possible,going on footpath, overtaking from left,right,center,he even jumped a traffic signal but all he could do was end up in the next jump. He honked his horn, muttered a word or two of unspeakable to a "uncle" who was driving on the left very slowly ( Right and center had two Volvo buses)..He finally managed to overtake that "loser" and he could finally see his company building on the horizon. Just as he was entering the home stretch he was stopped by traffic police, he had broken the one way rule. He was very angry and told the police this rule was unjustifiable.He also pointed that there were so many people ahead of him who were not caught.His words fell into deaf ears he was asked to cough up 500 rupees.He then decided that bullying technique wont work , so he asked to cop to adjust .He was told to pay 200 without bill. Seeing no other option he paid it.
He ended up late to the office, almost missing the meeting and got blasted.He told his sorry story to every soul he met. He was angry about the inefficient municipality who had done nothing to stray dog problem, to the late coming newspaper boy,horrible traffic,corrupt traffic cop. He menaced no words when he told his friends that "India sucks man!"..He was also of the opinion that democracy was the problem , he wanted a dictator to rule the country. He would always point out how china had done remarkable progress with communism. "
How many of us behave like this? .A lot( maybe not in entirety) .We need to change they way we view government. It is new year, a great time to make a new year resolution. I hope a few at least resolve to not blame the supposedly 'all evil government' , if not to bring a change ourselves.

PS: abt the china comment i have heard that many a times intend to write a entire post on it.