A complete idiot's guide to survival in bangalore traffic (Pedestrian version)

Note: The contents of this blog is not a pure work of pure fiction. It is actually a guide..err.i mean a almost real one.

As promised eons ago, here is the pedestrian version

1. First,it is very important that you understand your position in traffic ecosystem; you are a third class citizen in this ecosystem, just slightly better than the disabled, the old and the very young.( No offence to any of them if they are reading my blog).
2. Next, footpaths , if they exist, are not meant exclusively for pedestrians ; any other members of the traffic ecosystem may use it.So, next time, for example, if you see a two wheeler on a footpath don't scream your lungs out. However, if that 'act' is meant to be a stress buster then you are most welcome to do it. A little screaming wont make any difference to the din outside.
3. Also, please be aware you can get killed anytime!. I really mean anytime. A two wheeler, car, or a lorry may run over you even if you were just standing and weren't crossing the road.
4. However,the most important thing to keep in my mind is don't be afraid.Think you own the road.Walk as if bangalore is owned by your father.The other members of the ecosystem give you respect only when you look & act - rude and arrogant.
5. Moreover,there are two ways to cross the road.The first one is 'run for your life'.I think this one is pretty self explanatory.The disadvantage of this method is - if you are not fit enough to make the dash you will be run over.The other one is 'the matrix method'. In this one you have to think you are the chosen one and think you are living in a matrix. All you need to do is show your palm and slowly walk across the road. Slower the better.Also, make sure you never hurry and never blink a eye if even a fast moving truck is coming at you.This method works most of the time,however, the times that it did not -you will not live to tell the sorry tale.
6. Just like the real power of democracy lies in numbers,the real power for a pedestrian comes from having company, more the merrier. If it is a small road , a group of 5 can easily occupy half the road if they walk hand in hand and next to each other.You become all powerful with such a group. You can walk,dance and do whatever you want on the bangalore roads.
7. If you feel like you want to take revenge on members in the upper cadre of traffic ecosystem join some political or pseudo- political organizations.Organize a protest, preferably on a monday morning during peak traffic.Make sure you block the roads, then depending on the nature of the protests you can either scream or dance or smile at all those people stuck in the jam.
8. When it rains heavily, like the past few days, venture out at your own risk. Apart from the usual threats from the members of the traffic ecosystem, you would also be subject to new threats: a open manhole to drown, a open drain to get washed away, a hanging wire to either hang or get electrocuted,a falling tree branch to break you head,a complete tree or a pole to look like a dead character from tarantino movies.
9. Also, note that new additions to your bangalore infrastructure: -flyover, underpass, elevated roads- are not meant for pedestrians. They are for vehicles only.None of the methods which i described would help in your survival up or down there.
10. Lastly,if you have crossed the ocean and seen places where there are rules for pedestrians and hope to follow them here then you are liable to be called a 'fool'. Jay walking is the norm and if you don't want to do it, you are not going home as you would never cross a bangalorean road!

ps:biker's version for reference - >http://kelarappakeli.blogspot.com/2008/12/complete-idiots-guide-to-survival-in.html

New syllabus for NCERT 1st std maths

NCERT syllabus revision committee has decided to update the defunct syllabus for 1st standard Math's . Here are the excerpts from the press conference in which the chairman of the committee, Prof. Gupta, briefed the press about the dramatic changes being introduced.

 

Prof: Good afternoon, we have decided to bring whole scale changes to NCERT Math's 1st std text book. We believe that the fresh and young minds of our great country need to be taught for the real world. We believe the current textbook, titled ' Maths-magic' is a misnomer as it is not teaching any magic tricks. Hence, committee has unanimously decided to include famous math's magic tricks of this decade like the one where one can vanish Rupees 74 billion into thin air.

 

(Thunderous applause is heard from the audience)

Prof: (Continuing..)  Thank you, thank you. To do fraud, your basics should be strong. We believe in inculcating the same to the fresh minds of 1st standard. Current chapters on addition, subtraction will be modified. We are introducing several new techniques which will ensure our students will get both right answer and fraud answer for addition/subtraction. Also, it has been decided to call addition as 'credit' and subtraction as 'debit'. Our students will only be taught numbers in terms of billions ... 1 billion, 2 billion etc... Several practical exercises will also be conducted where each student will be asked to count the number of people in class and give both the correct count and the 'fraud' count. This is the beginning we hope to perfect the art of teaching fraud to the bright young minds of our country. Any questions?

(Suddenly, half a dozen hands went up..) 

Reporter 1: Sir, what about ethical issues?

 Prof: You have not understood the whole purpose of this new framework. The idea is to ensure our next generation does not understand such words. We need 1000 R.Raju's to build this nation.

Reporter 2: Sir, how will wrong addition/subtraction help in committing a fraud. Isn't it much more complex.

Prof: (Smiling).. It is also 1st std son. We will build on this in higher classes. We will teach how to create  benami accounts, forge documents and  cheques in higher classes. This we are hoping will be a stepping stone to new wave of fraud in our country,

Reporter 1:  Sir,  it is great to finally see our curriculum managing to keep up with the times. Considering the fact that all of you math's professors are not trained in this new field of 'fraud' ,how do u expect to be able to frame the syllabus.

Prof:  We have R.Raju in our committee

(That silenced everyone and was the end of press conference and dawn of a new age of fraud......).

Top 10 unwanted advices from people that I either didn't know or barely knew! - Part II

(Continuing from the last post….)

If you have not read part-I check here

 

6) After receiving the life insurance policy from the agent he advising me," Now, Mr.Praveen you can get married!" .( Hmm.s..sir, if u marry without an insurance policy there is no motivation for your wife to murder you...in short he is asking me to get married and killed!). 

7) On seeing my hair at the fag  end-of-2 month hair cut cycle, when it is a little long I got this advice from a distant relative ( deciphering the distance is a NP hard problem) "If your hair is long all the food you eat gets sucked up there and that is why you are thin. Keep your hair short to become fatter."

( Yes...why do we need to study biology in school when we get such gems from such folks. How logical it is…The food you eat get sucked up by the hair and then out!..Get rid of the rest of the organs for the excretion system I say!..also..if you see any long haired human being tell them this..plz spread such wisdom) 

8)  In order to pickup my extremely valuable VTU marks card (with useless marks ofcourse!) I had to go to our PESIT office. Therein lay an amazing character, a true bureaucrat, a boisterous almost senile old lady. She was unfortunately in charge of the “mark cards”. In order to pickup the marks card one had to sign in a really big fat register. However, in order to sign, one unfortunately needs a pen which at this opportune moment happened to be missing. In order to escape another ordeal to PESIT office I asked for the pen from madamji.( cardinal sin it was). Advice naturally followed which was as below:

" Ninnage tale sariyagilla. Yaake odake barthya .Manelli kuthko...Pen ellade en madthya collge alli..swapla nu sense illa.idiot.!." 

English translation: "Your head is not right. Why do u come to study(here) ?.Sit in the house. Without pen, what are you doing in the college? You have no sense, idiot. "  

(Absolute idiot to be even asking her..could not agree more!) 

 9) In an office party a drunk met-only-two-times before colleague comes to me. On finding I have not drunk any forms of alcohol nor I intend to do he was surprised and gave the following advice, “ Grow up, high time you started drinking. If you don’t start now, when will you?....if you are avoiding drinking because of health issues...look at me!. Drinking in fact makes you stronger..”

(yes sirji, drinking certainly makes u strongly funny;gives me a good laugh and hence, keeps me healthy. So ji ..plz drink more.. let me just watch!)

 10)    While trying to  get medical certificate for bunking college for preparing for CAT I had this gem of advice from the doctor. “You want to do a MBA..ha ha..To do an MBA you need to be fit.You need to become stronger young man..”

( yes doc, in MBA they teach management principles by asking us to lift weights of  40 kgs. Theory x says you can pick up 25 kgs but you wont and theory Y says you want to pick up 27kgs when you can do 25kgs etc..)

 Ps: As the tag line of a recent ad goes “zindagi me bahut saara advice muft  me miltha hain.” We Indians tend to advise at the drop of a hat. I think our generation as we grow older must try to refrain from treading the same path that our elders have followed.

Top 10 unwanted advices from people that I either didn't know or barely knew! - Part I

1) Just after a few days after my CET counseling, a guest of  my neighbor telling me "You are stupid-u to choose software; no future in software, only hardware'. (I hope he was not referring to 'Hardware shops')

 2) Banyan tree Gowaramma on my very first visit to her shop asking me  to "Eat more!." 

3) From a roadside second hand book-seller while purchasing a book on c++..(stroustrup it was)..."You are outdated siru, no c,c+ only javaaa. Also this book is not a textbook. why you buy this? "..

 

4)  On being unable to produce a emission certificate, after being stopped by traffic cop in front of SAP Teched convention , I had the following interesting conversation:

 Me:  Sir, no emission certificate..

VDC (Very-delighted-cop ) : hmm..odutha eddiya athva kelsa madtha eddiya .

English translation of VDC: Are u studying or working?  [ well ,we Indians are not supposed to study for anything except for a degree.Hence ,college goers are termed as 'studying' and for some strange reason other adults are branded as 'workers' . (Valle communist country namadu!) ].

 Me: Sir, kelsa maduthaeddine.

English translation of  ME: Sir, I am working ( first mistake)

VDC: softwareaaa ( bloody he caught me in front of SAP conference , these questions must be just for kicks )

 Me: houdu sir , addee 

English translation of  ME: Yes, sir, samething

VDC:  Ninge swalpa nu sense illa .Educateds agi hega madodu . Emission certificate madasabeku antha gothagalla..

 English translation of VDC:You dont have even a little sense.As an educated is this what you do ? [ Note: Educateds are supposed to be all-knowing gurus of everything, anything else you will have to face such music ].Don't you know you have to get your emisson done..?

ME: Sir, how much is the fine? I will pay it in full. ( 2nd mistake)

 And then the advice began,

 VDC:  Nange nin tarane erruva makalu eddare . Nimge yella duddina value ne gothilla.  Neevu namma tara  kelsa madabeku, gourment-alli ,aga gothagethe doodu andre enu antha..

 English translation of VDC: I have sons like you.All you people don't know the value of money.Like me you should also work in government  then you would know the value of money. ( yes sir, government jobs like the ones he has are very lucrative.I should be changing my career and become a traffic cop!)

And then after this advise he said pay me only half the fine amount without the receipt of course and gleefully accepted the honest bribe.

5) In the barber shop while my moustache was getting shaved , a person sitting in adjacent seat ,losing hair like me, saying " All guys need to have moustaches.". I initially thought he was thinking aloud, but he left room for no doubt pointing to me and repeating the same thing. ( With the blade near the face i decided it was wise to shut up rather than trying to respond and in turn in some bizarre accident ending up losing my nose).

( To be continued....)

A complete idiot's guide to survival in bangalore traffic (Biker's version)

Note: The contents of this blog is not a pure work of pure fiction. It is actually a guide..err.i mean a almost real one.

1) Traffic rules are merely a suggestion and any undue importance given to the same will render you immobile on the Bangalore roads.

2) Orange light does not exist. If you are looking at the orange light and still standing you are lucky not to be overrun by a veichle behind you.

3) You should  know the traffic light sequence in every intersection. You should always know that after which side turns green ,you would be good to go.Most importantly you should always look at that light and not yours.When the light turns green ,without giving a damn about any possible pedestrians you should always accelerate.This is your chance to play catch up with your average speed before the next signal.

4) There is no distinction between footpaths and roads. A footpath accessible from the road is as good as a road. Without giving much importance to the incovenience you may be causing to pedestrians you must zoom ahead on the footpaths. Honk excessively if required.

5) Adding to the previous statement over honking killed none ; only under honking did. So keep honking for you life.Honking in a traffic jam or traffic light is considered normal. You should also do this because it is a very important stress release. Keep honking with force.Take it on the horn i say.

6) There are no lanes on the roads. There are just roads, hence lane changing is a fad.

7) Overtaking can be done from any side as long as it is possible. But just try to avoid banging into either a pedestrian or another over zealous biker who is also overtaking at the same moment.

8) If the traffic cop is not around it is perfectly acceptable to go on the wrong side of a road.One way rule like other rules are only enforceable during cop hours.(earthly hours).


9) Knowing the locals samskrutha can be a little dangerous as it can lead to petty fights. So, while driving you can listen to music via any of the mobile phones/music players. (which again is a violation of some rule). If talking over the phone sooths your mind , then you can do that, even if you don't have a hands free. The only rule is you should not fall over and bang it to somebody or something.

10) Traffic cops are generally lurking on the left side of a road after a blind turn .So it is recommended to drive fast and on the right side of the road to avoid getting caught.

11) Lastly,Everybody uses high beams. You can also use them if it makes you happy.However, in order to not to fall into a pothole or manhole in the night it is also recommend that you wear anti glare glasses. A good knowledge of the road terrain is also very essential. However, be forewarned a road can be dug up any time , a manhole cover can go missing any time, and after heavy rains plethora of potholes might come into existence.

Left's recruitment drive!

Buoyed by the recent success in Rajasathan elections, where the left managed to triple their electoral fortunes (from 1 to 3 seats), the left decided to go in for a recruitment drive. The think-tank of the left ,primarily led by their voracious general (secretary) ,decided that it was time to expand their base. In their pot-puri* meeting they decided that they should take communism to the 'Masses'.

So, taking this message seriously , the 'General' decided to venture out to the forest. He did this since the latest census  still gave the non-humans a lead (in pure number terms)  over the human population. He also was of the view that communism may be at least viewed well by the non-humans. Our relatively young and dynamic general managed to find a group which he believed needed communism the most.        

It was the “worker bees”.He manged to attract a vast gathering of them by his very presence. . Below is the excerpt from this speech made to this large gathering,

" Dear Comrades,

                               I would first of all like to thank you for giving me a opportunity to speak. . It is a great pleasure to address such a huge gathering. I have never seen such a big crowd in my life and that too perched on a tree's bark. I have never seen such unbridled  communist enthusiasm anywhere. My friends, by birth you are designated as 'workers'.  It is a gargantuan capitalistic  conspiracy friends !;which has made you into a worker. You are asked to work for your capitalistic, profit minded 'Queen Bee'. I understand your pain; fellow comrades. You have to work without minimum wages and also under harsh labor conditions. There is only one solution for all this , my friends .Join our party!. We are currently the fastest growing party in Rajasthan; we have one of the oldest chief ministers in the country ( a lil senile maybe) and we had the unique distinction of being in opposition and also being in power!.Yes!, friends, we are certainly a unique party .We are still the only party which actually has an ideology different from others. We manged to bring the country to brink of elections for a nuclear deal. We are not ideologically bankrupt, we are still relevant as shown by our recent opposition to the nuclear deal. We don't believe that capitalism works although it does in the states we rule. We may be inconsistent in state politics ,but we still oppose all reform bills in the center in the name of ideology.

(After hearing a couple of yawns..he comes back to the point).

 If you join our party we promise the we will bring wage control to all worker bees , that is all of you shall work at least for minimum wages. You guys can decide my friends how much you want to be paid. Yes..friends, you can decide everything - no of leaves that you want to take in a year, your pension benefits, name it and we will have it included. Now, friends if you have any question ask me.”

From the back of the crowd,A bespectacled geek bee asked "'Worker bee - Queen bee' is set to be the perfect example of communist system where in which  everyone works for the prosperity of the state. I don't understand how you can label this as a "capitalistic system" ?

Gen:  Your are just as confused as our West Bengal CM's...Next question..

Another weired looking bee asked, "Communist manifesto does not make any mention of bees. How do you claim this system will work for Bees ? "

Gen: Updated version will be out shortly which will include all living beings. Thanks for pointing out the typo in the great book.

A few extreme right wingers standing in the front section of the crowd decided it was time to pull the curtains on the show. They decided to teach our general a lesson. They let out a cry "Jai bee mata ! " and  set about attacking our general .That unfortunately was the last we heard of our general.

*To be read as Politburo

Updates: Updated version of this post can be seen at http://mindry.in/blog/2008/12/15/birds-bees-and-communism/

20 Questions - Guess who!!

1) Is it a human being, Place,thing or a group of humans ?

A) Group of human beings

2)Are any of the members of this group alive ?
[ Possible answers- Yes , No , Unknown, Irrelevant, Sometimes, Probably, Doubtful]

A) Sometimes

3) Are any members of this group in India ?

A) Yes

4) Have they been in news recently ?

A) Unknown

5) Do the members of this group have any social skills ?

A) No *

6) Are the members of the group known to be violent?

A) Sometimes **

7) First Guess: Terrorists ?

A) NO

8) Is the group well known ?

A) Yes

9) Does the group contain members of only one gender ?

A ) No

10) Is this group registered somewhere ?

A) Doubtful


11) Do the members of the group communicate among themselves better than outsiders ?

A) Yes

12) When you meet a member of this group is it very apparent that they are the group members ?

A) Yes

13) Are the members of this group weird ?

A) Yes

14) Do they have a 'normal' sense of humor ?

A) No***

15) Guess 2 ) mad people

A ) NO

16) Were the members of the group existing in 19 centrury ?

A) No

17) Are they employable ?

A) YES


18) Do they use computers a lot ?

A) YES

19) Do they read any forwards ,links ,blog(such as this) online irrespective of the content ?

A) YES

20) Guess 3) Geek

A) Correct!

* Social skills on display in chat is not considered.
**Members of the group are known to show frustration on keyboard
***Geek jokes are not considered to be 'normal'.