Top 10 unwanted advices from people that I either didn't know or barely knew! - Part II

(Continuing from the last post….)

If you have not read part-I check here

 

6) After receiving the life insurance policy from the agent he advising me," Now, Mr.Praveen you can get married!" .( Hmm.s..sir, if u marry without an insurance policy there is no motivation for your wife to murder you...in short he is asking me to get married and killed!). 

7) On seeing my hair at the fag  end-of-2 month hair cut cycle, when it is a little long I got this advice from a distant relative ( deciphering the distance is a NP hard problem) "If your hair is long all the food you eat gets sucked up there and that is why you are thin. Keep your hair short to become fatter."

( Yes...why do we need to study biology in school when we get such gems from such folks. How logical it is…The food you eat get sucked up by the hair and then out!..Get rid of the rest of the organs for the excretion system I say!..also..if you see any long haired human being tell them this..plz spread such wisdom) 

8)  In order to pickup my extremely valuable VTU marks card (with useless marks ofcourse!) I had to go to our PESIT office. Therein lay an amazing character, a true bureaucrat, a boisterous almost senile old lady. She was unfortunately in charge of the “mark cards”. In order to pickup the marks card one had to sign in a really big fat register. However, in order to sign, one unfortunately needs a pen which at this opportune moment happened to be missing. In order to escape another ordeal to PESIT office I asked for the pen from madamji.( cardinal sin it was). Advice naturally followed which was as below:

" Ninnage tale sariyagilla. Yaake odake barthya .Manelli kuthko...Pen ellade en madthya collge alli..swapla nu sense illa.idiot.!." 

English translation: "Your head is not right. Why do u come to study(here) ?.Sit in the house. Without pen, what are you doing in the college? You have no sense, idiot. "  

(Absolute idiot to be even asking her..could not agree more!) 

 9) In an office party a drunk met-only-two-times before colleague comes to me. On finding I have not drunk any forms of alcohol nor I intend to do he was surprised and gave the following advice, “ Grow up, high time you started drinking. If you don’t start now, when will you?....if you are avoiding drinking because of health issues...look at me!. Drinking in fact makes you stronger..”

(yes sirji, drinking certainly makes u strongly funny;gives me a good laugh and hence, keeps me healthy. So ji ..plz drink more.. let me just watch!)

 10)    While trying to  get medical certificate for bunking college for preparing for CAT I had this gem of advice from the doctor. “You want to do a MBA..ha ha..To do an MBA you need to be fit.You need to become stronger young man..”

( yes doc, in MBA they teach management principles by asking us to lift weights of  40 kgs. Theory x says you can pick up 25 kgs but you wont and theory Y says you want to pick up 27kgs when you can do 25kgs etc..)

 Ps: As the tag line of a recent ad goes “zindagi me bahut saara advice muft  me miltha hain.” We Indians tend to advise at the drop of a hat. I think our generation as we grow older must try to refrain from treading the same path that our elders have followed.

Top 10 unwanted advices from people that I either didn't know or barely knew! - Part I

1) Just after a few days after my CET counseling, a guest of  my neighbor telling me "You are stupid-u to choose software; no future in software, only hardware'. (I hope he was not referring to 'Hardware shops')

 2) Banyan tree Gowaramma on my very first visit to her shop asking me  to "Eat more!." 

3) From a roadside second hand book-seller while purchasing a book on c++..(stroustrup it was)..."You are outdated siru, no c,c+ only javaaa. Also this book is not a textbook. why you buy this? "..

 

4)  On being unable to produce a emission certificate, after being stopped by traffic cop in front of SAP Teched convention , I had the following interesting conversation:

 Me:  Sir, no emission certificate..

VDC (Very-delighted-cop ) : hmm..odutha eddiya athva kelsa madtha eddiya .

English translation of VDC: Are u studying or working?  [ well ,we Indians are not supposed to study for anything except for a degree.Hence ,college goers are termed as 'studying' and for some strange reason other adults are branded as 'workers' . (Valle communist country namadu!) ].

 Me: Sir, kelsa maduthaeddine.

English translation of  ME: Sir, I am working ( first mistake)

VDC: softwareaaa ( bloody he caught me in front of SAP conference , these questions must be just for kicks )

 Me: houdu sir , addee 

English translation of  ME: Yes, sir, samething

VDC:  Ninge swalpa nu sense illa .Educateds agi hega madodu . Emission certificate madasabeku antha gothagalla..

 English translation of VDC:You dont have even a little sense.As an educated is this what you do ? [ Note: Educateds are supposed to be all-knowing gurus of everything, anything else you will have to face such music ].Don't you know you have to get your emisson done..?

ME: Sir, how much is the fine? I will pay it in full. ( 2nd mistake)

 And then the advice began,

 VDC:  Nange nin tarane erruva makalu eddare . Nimge yella duddina value ne gothilla.  Neevu namma tara  kelsa madabeku, gourment-alli ,aga gothagethe doodu andre enu antha..

 English translation of VDC: I have sons like you.All you people don't know the value of money.Like me you should also work in government  then you would know the value of money. ( yes sir, government jobs like the ones he has are very lucrative.I should be changing my career and become a traffic cop!)

And then after this advise he said pay me only half the fine amount without the receipt of course and gleefully accepted the honest bribe.

5) In the barber shop while my moustache was getting shaved , a person sitting in adjacent seat ,losing hair like me, saying " All guys need to have moustaches.". I initially thought he was thinking aloud, but he left room for no doubt pointing to me and repeating the same thing. ( With the blade near the face i decided it was wise to shut up rather than trying to respond and in turn in some bizarre accident ending up losing my nose).

( To be continued....)

A complete idiot's guide to survival in bangalore traffic (Biker's version)

Note: The contents of this blog is not a pure work of pure fiction. It is actually a guide..err.i mean a almost real one.

1) Traffic rules are merely a suggestion and any undue importance given to the same will render you immobile on the Bangalore roads.

2) Orange light does not exist. If you are looking at the orange light and still standing you are lucky not to be overrun by a veichle behind you.

3) You should  know the traffic light sequence in every intersection. You should always know that after which side turns green ,you would be good to go.Most importantly you should always look at that light and not yours.When the light turns green ,without giving a damn about any possible pedestrians you should always accelerate.This is your chance to play catch up with your average speed before the next signal.

4) There is no distinction between footpaths and roads. A footpath accessible from the road is as good as a road. Without giving much importance to the incovenience you may be causing to pedestrians you must zoom ahead on the footpaths. Honk excessively if required.

5) Adding to the previous statement over honking killed none ; only under honking did. So keep honking for you life.Honking in a traffic jam or traffic light is considered normal. You should also do this because it is a very important stress release. Keep honking with force.Take it on the horn i say.

6) There are no lanes on the roads. There are just roads, hence lane changing is a fad.

7) Overtaking can be done from any side as long as it is possible. But just try to avoid banging into either a pedestrian or another over zealous biker who is also overtaking at the same moment.

8) If the traffic cop is not around it is perfectly acceptable to go on the wrong side of a road.One way rule like other rules are only enforceable during cop hours.(earthly hours).


9) Knowing the locals samskrutha can be a little dangerous as it can lead to petty fights. So, while driving you can listen to music via any of the mobile phones/music players. (which again is a violation of some rule). If talking over the phone sooths your mind , then you can do that, even if you don't have a hands free. The only rule is you should not fall over and bang it to somebody or something.

10) Traffic cops are generally lurking on the left side of a road after a blind turn .So it is recommended to drive fast and on the right side of the road to avoid getting caught.

11) Lastly,Everybody uses high beams. You can also use them if it makes you happy.However, in order to not to fall into a pothole or manhole in the night it is also recommend that you wear anti glare glasses. A good knowledge of the road terrain is also very essential. However, be forewarned a road can be dug up any time , a manhole cover can go missing any time, and after heavy rains plethora of potholes might come into existence.

Left's recruitment drive!

Buoyed by the recent success in Rajasathan elections, where the left managed to triple their electoral fortunes (from 1 to 3 seats), the left decided to go in for a recruitment drive. The think-tank of the left ,primarily led by their voracious general (secretary) ,decided that it was time to expand their base. In their pot-puri* meeting they decided that they should take communism to the 'Masses'.

So, taking this message seriously , the 'General' decided to venture out to the forest. He did this since the latest census  still gave the non-humans a lead (in pure number terms)  over the human population. He also was of the view that communism may be at least viewed well by the non-humans. Our relatively young and dynamic general managed to find a group which he believed needed communism the most.        

It was the “worker bees”.He manged to attract a vast gathering of them by his very presence. . Below is the excerpt from this speech made to this large gathering,

" Dear Comrades,

                               I would first of all like to thank you for giving me a opportunity to speak. . It is a great pleasure to address such a huge gathering. I have never seen such a big crowd in my life and that too perched on a tree's bark. I have never seen such unbridled  communist enthusiasm anywhere. My friends, by birth you are designated as 'workers'.  It is a gargantuan capitalistic  conspiracy friends !;which has made you into a worker. You are asked to work for your capitalistic, profit minded 'Queen Bee'. I understand your pain; fellow comrades. You have to work without minimum wages and also under harsh labor conditions. There is only one solution for all this , my friends .Join our party!. We are currently the fastest growing party in Rajasthan; we have one of the oldest chief ministers in the country ( a lil senile maybe) and we had the unique distinction of being in opposition and also being in power!.Yes!, friends, we are certainly a unique party .We are still the only party which actually has an ideology different from others. We manged to bring the country to brink of elections for a nuclear deal. We are not ideologically bankrupt, we are still relevant as shown by our recent opposition to the nuclear deal. We don't believe that capitalism works although it does in the states we rule. We may be inconsistent in state politics ,but we still oppose all reform bills in the center in the name of ideology.

(After hearing a couple of yawns..he comes back to the point).

 If you join our party we promise the we will bring wage control to all worker bees , that is all of you shall work at least for minimum wages. You guys can decide my friends how much you want to be paid. Yes..friends, you can decide everything - no of leaves that you want to take in a year, your pension benefits, name it and we will have it included. Now, friends if you have any question ask me.”

From the back of the crowd,A bespectacled geek bee asked "'Worker bee - Queen bee' is set to be the perfect example of communist system where in which  everyone works for the prosperity of the state. I don't understand how you can label this as a "capitalistic system" ?

Gen:  Your are just as confused as our West Bengal CM's...Next question..

Another weired looking bee asked, "Communist manifesto does not make any mention of bees. How do you claim this system will work for Bees ? "

Gen: Updated version will be out shortly which will include all living beings. Thanks for pointing out the typo in the great book.

A few extreme right wingers standing in the front section of the crowd decided it was time to pull the curtains on the show. They decided to teach our general a lesson. They let out a cry "Jai bee mata ! " and  set about attacking our general .That unfortunately was the last we heard of our general.

*To be read as Politburo

Updates: Updated version of this post can be seen at http://mindry.in/blog/2008/12/15/birds-bees-and-communism/

20 Questions - Guess who!!

1) Is it a human being, Place,thing or a group of humans ?

A) Group of human beings

2)Are any of the members of this group alive ?
[ Possible answers- Yes , No , Unknown, Irrelevant, Sometimes, Probably, Doubtful]

A) Sometimes

3) Are any members of this group in India ?

A) Yes

4) Have they been in news recently ?

A) Unknown

5) Do the members of this group have any social skills ?

A) No *

6) Are the members of the group known to be violent?

A) Sometimes **

7) First Guess: Terrorists ?

A) NO

8) Is the group well known ?

A) Yes

9) Does the group contain members of only one gender ?

A ) No

10) Is this group registered somewhere ?

A) Doubtful


11) Do the members of the group communicate among themselves better than outsiders ?

A) Yes

12) When you meet a member of this group is it very apparent that they are the group members ?

A) Yes

13) Are the members of this group weird ?

A) Yes

14) Do they have a 'normal' sense of humor ?

A) No***

15) Guess 2 ) mad people

A ) NO

16) Were the members of the group existing in 19 centrury ?

A) No

17) Are they employable ?

A) YES


18) Do they use computers a lot ?

A) YES

19) Do they read any forwards ,links ,blog(such as this) online irrespective of the content ?

A) YES

20) Guess 3) Geek

A) Correct!

* Social skills on display in chat is not considered.
**Members of the group are known to show frustration on keyboard
***Geek jokes are not considered to be 'normal'.

Get our house in order first!

It was a cold breezy wet night, the now 'famous' last Wednesday. I was thoroughly drenched, on my way back, from our drama rehearsal. Being extremely tired, I hit the sack thinking probably nothing more than the terrible weather outside and the next day's work. Probably many Indians that night were doing the same ; thinking about similar mundane things. The next day morning I woke up to the screaming headlines of terror attack, which was all over the print, news media, literally everywhere. Like probably any other Indian that day I was shocked to hear the news, angry and probably at the same sad ,thinking about the fate of the so many lives which still hung in balance. All the conversations I had with everyone that I met centered on the Mumbai terror attacks. It is a week since those incidents unfolded but even now terror attacks still hold center stage in any conversations. This is not the norm. We, the people of this country are known to have short term memory. 'Mumbai terror attacks' was not the first one this country has seen but probably the most ugliest one. We have had terror attacks going on from many years now .However, after every terror attack we had continued to move on with over lives after at best, a brief period of terror talk. This now is famously termed as 'resilience'. This time the country has awoken to terror attacks in a fashion never before. However, this has raised a few concerns as well.

A week after the blast, 'anger' has probably replaced the initial feeling of shock and grief; a very natural emotion. But the problem with anger is that it tends to be irrational most of the times. Also, in most of the cases anger is directed against somebody or someone and not against oneself. In this case it seems to be against a certain country and religion. Although, such reasoning, albeit not unjustified, is dangerous. There is a danger that hatred will make us go completely blind. As they say "Eye for an eye and the whole world went blind", we will probably end up worse off than better if we continue to tread this path. In the past week blog posts and forwards have cropped up enthusing a path ultimately leading to a war with our neighbor. The basic premise of that argument is bombing Pakistan would somehow bring an end to all the terror attacks in India. Well, assuming India actually do get to invade Pakistan( it is quite improbable that so-called superpowers will allow that) and destroy all the terror camps, being labeled as the "root cause of terrorist activities" in India, will the problem go away? America after 9/11 treaded the same path bombing everywhere but where they able to stop terrorism -NO. They have failed miserably and have set a perfect example to us about what not to do. After 9/11 , a large number of Americans also bayed for blood , they got it, but did it help?

I agree that people who have done wrong must be held accountable for their deeds and a sincere and concrete effort must be done to stop terrorism. But, by targeting a nation or religion we will end up creating more terrorists than stopping them. Well, the next logical question that will be asked is what we should do then. If we are not supposed to bomb our neighbors who are clearly harboring terrorists how can we solve the problem? First and foremost we need to strengthen our border. Across the border intrusions must stop. Then, we will need to focus on how we can stop the terrorist activities in our country .As a wise man once said , "when we point a finger at someone else four are pointing back to us" .Before we think of how to sort the mess outside we need to clean up our country. I believe terrorism can only be solved through a "carrot and stick" strategy. (I am not contradicting myself..wait..let me continue).When I use the term 'Stick' I am not referring to all-out attack.(in essence a war). Calling ourselves as ' humans', a superior animal being, we should be able to think of better ways to solve this problem rather than indiscriminately killing each other. We will have to stifle the terrorism with constant pressure.

A lot of fellow citizens have now started leaning towards the so called right wing .They harbor a belief that a Hindu state is panacea to all the ills. But, what we need is in fact a secular state in truest sense. A state, where religion is nothing more than private practice, a place where religion has no bearing on everyday life. Terrorism has not begun without any reason although the very route the terrorist took is deplorable. Don't get me wrong there is absolutely no justification to their heinous crimes but there may be some reasoning behind them turning one. We will not solve the problem of terrorism completely until we figure out how another human being is turning into one.

To summarize, if we carry the belief that terrorism can be solved by a more competent government, better equipped defense and tit for tat strategy we will be in for a long rough ride. The kind, which is going on in several countries. But, if we can create a atmosphere by which there will not be a single terrorist from our soil then half the problem would be solved. Strengthening the borders to take care of intrusions would also from a important part of such a strategy .I know most of my fellow countrymen would not be satisfied with such an approach. A blood of a few innocent neighbors shall only give them a sense of satisfaction. We should threaten, flex our muscles with our neighbor but before all that we should first get our house in order.