Top 10 unwanted advices from people that I either didn't know or barely knew! - Part II

(Continuing from the last post….)

If you have not read part-I check here

 

6) After receiving the life insurance policy from the agent he advising me," Now, Mr.Praveen you can get married!" .( Hmm.s..sir, if u marry without an insurance policy there is no motivation for your wife to murder you...in short he is asking me to get married and killed!). 

7) On seeing my hair at the fag  end-of-2 month hair cut cycle, when it is a little long I got this advice from a distant relative ( deciphering the distance is a NP hard problem) "If your hair is long all the food you eat gets sucked up there and that is why you are thin. Keep your hair short to become fatter."

( Yes...why do we need to study biology in school when we get such gems from such folks. How logical it is…The food you eat get sucked up by the hair and then out!..Get rid of the rest of the organs for the excretion system I say!..also..if you see any long haired human being tell them this..plz spread such wisdom) 

8)  In order to pickup my extremely valuable VTU marks card (with useless marks ofcourse!) I had to go to our PESIT office. Therein lay an amazing character, a true bureaucrat, a boisterous almost senile old lady. She was unfortunately in charge of the “mark cards”. In order to pickup the marks card one had to sign in a really big fat register. However, in order to sign, one unfortunately needs a pen which at this opportune moment happened to be missing. In order to escape another ordeal to PESIT office I asked for the pen from madamji.( cardinal sin it was). Advice naturally followed which was as below:

" Ninnage tale sariyagilla. Yaake odake barthya .Manelli kuthko...Pen ellade en madthya collge alli..swapla nu sense illa.idiot.!." 

English translation: "Your head is not right. Why do u come to study(here) ?.Sit in the house. Without pen, what are you doing in the college? You have no sense, idiot. "  

(Absolute idiot to be even asking her..could not agree more!) 

 9) In an office party a drunk met-only-two-times before colleague comes to me. On finding I have not drunk any forms of alcohol nor I intend to do he was surprised and gave the following advice, “ Grow up, high time you started drinking. If you don’t start now, when will you?....if you are avoiding drinking because of health issues...look at me!. Drinking in fact makes you stronger..”

(yes sirji, drinking certainly makes u strongly funny;gives me a good laugh and hence, keeps me healthy. So ji ..plz drink more.. let me just watch!)

 10)    While trying to  get medical certificate for bunking college for preparing for CAT I had this gem of advice from the doctor. “You want to do a MBA..ha ha..To do an MBA you need to be fit.You need to become stronger young man..”

( yes doc, in MBA they teach management principles by asking us to lift weights of  40 kgs. Theory x says you can pick up 25 kgs but you wont and theory Y says you want to pick up 27kgs when you can do 25kgs etc..)

 Ps: As the tag line of a recent ad goes “zindagi me bahut saara advice muft  me miltha hain.” We Indians tend to advise at the drop of a hat. I think our generation as we grow older must try to refrain from treading the same path that our elders have followed.

Top 10 unwanted advices from people that I either didn't know or barely knew! - Part I

1) Just after a few days after my CET counseling, a guest of  my neighbor telling me "You are stupid-u to choose software; no future in software, only hardware'. (I hope he was not referring to 'Hardware shops')

 2) Banyan tree Gowaramma on my very first visit to her shop asking me  to "Eat more!." 

3) From a roadside second hand book-seller while purchasing a book on c++..(stroustrup it was)..."You are outdated siru, no c,c+ only javaaa. Also this book is not a textbook. why you buy this? "..

 

4)  On being unable to produce a emission certificate, after being stopped by traffic cop in front of SAP Teched convention , I had the following interesting conversation:

 Me:  Sir, no emission certificate..

VDC (Very-delighted-cop ) : hmm..odutha eddiya athva kelsa madtha eddiya .

English translation of VDC: Are u studying or working?  [ well ,we Indians are not supposed to study for anything except for a degree.Hence ,college goers are termed as 'studying' and for some strange reason other adults are branded as 'workers' . (Valle communist country namadu!) ].

 Me: Sir, kelsa maduthaeddine.

English translation of  ME: Sir, I am working ( first mistake)

VDC: softwareaaa ( bloody he caught me in front of SAP conference , these questions must be just for kicks )

 Me: houdu sir , addee 

English translation of  ME: Yes, sir, samething

VDC:  Ninge swalpa nu sense illa .Educateds agi hega madodu . Emission certificate madasabeku antha gothagalla..

 English translation of VDC:You dont have even a little sense.As an educated is this what you do ? [ Note: Educateds are supposed to be all-knowing gurus of everything, anything else you will have to face such music ].Don't you know you have to get your emisson done..?

ME: Sir, how much is the fine? I will pay it in full. ( 2nd mistake)

 And then the advice began,

 VDC:  Nange nin tarane erruva makalu eddare . Nimge yella duddina value ne gothilla.  Neevu namma tara  kelsa madabeku, gourment-alli ,aga gothagethe doodu andre enu antha..

 English translation of VDC: I have sons like you.All you people don't know the value of money.Like me you should also work in government  then you would know the value of money. ( yes sir, government jobs like the ones he has are very lucrative.I should be changing my career and become a traffic cop!)

And then after this advise he said pay me only half the fine amount without the receipt of course and gleefully accepted the honest bribe.

5) In the barber shop while my moustache was getting shaved , a person sitting in adjacent seat ,losing hair like me, saying " All guys need to have moustaches.". I initially thought he was thinking aloud, but he left room for no doubt pointing to me and repeating the same thing. ( With the blade near the face i decided it was wise to shut up rather than trying to respond and in turn in some bizarre accident ending up losing my nose).

( To be continued....)

A complete idiot's guide to survival in bangalore traffic (Biker's version)

Note: The contents of this blog is not a pure work of pure fiction. It is actually a guide..err.i mean a almost real one.

1) Traffic rules are merely a suggestion and any undue importance given to the same will render you immobile on the Bangalore roads.

2) Orange light does not exist. If you are looking at the orange light and still standing you are lucky not to be overrun by a veichle behind you.

3) You should  know the traffic light sequence in every intersection. You should always know that after which side turns green ,you would be good to go.Most importantly you should always look at that light and not yours.When the light turns green ,without giving a damn about any possible pedestrians you should always accelerate.This is your chance to play catch up with your average speed before the next signal.

4) There is no distinction between footpaths and roads. A footpath accessible from the road is as good as a road. Without giving much importance to the incovenience you may be causing to pedestrians you must zoom ahead on the footpaths. Honk excessively if required.

5) Adding to the previous statement over honking killed none ; only under honking did. So keep honking for you life.Honking in a traffic jam or traffic light is considered normal. You should also do this because it is a very important stress release. Keep honking with force.Take it on the horn i say.

6) There are no lanes on the roads. There are just roads, hence lane changing is a fad.

7) Overtaking can be done from any side as long as it is possible. But just try to avoid banging into either a pedestrian or another over zealous biker who is also overtaking at the same moment.

8) If the traffic cop is not around it is perfectly acceptable to go on the wrong side of a road.One way rule like other rules are only enforceable during cop hours.(earthly hours).


9) Knowing the locals samskrutha can be a little dangerous as it can lead to petty fights. So, while driving you can listen to music via any of the mobile phones/music players. (which again is a violation of some rule). If talking over the phone sooths your mind , then you can do that, even if you don't have a hands free. The only rule is you should not fall over and bang it to somebody or something.

10) Traffic cops are generally lurking on the left side of a road after a blind turn .So it is recommended to drive fast and on the right side of the road to avoid getting caught.

11) Lastly,Everybody uses high beams. You can also use them if it makes you happy.However, in order to not to fall into a pothole or manhole in the night it is also recommend that you wear anti glare glasses. A good knowledge of the road terrain is also very essential. However, be forewarned a road can be dug up any time , a manhole cover can go missing any time, and after heavy rains plethora of potholes might come into existence.

Left's recruitment drive!

Buoyed by the recent success in Rajasathan elections, where the left managed to triple their electoral fortunes (from 1 to 3 seats), the left decided to go in for a recruitment drive. The think-tank of the left ,primarily led by their voracious general (secretary) ,decided that it was time to expand their base. In their pot-puri* meeting they decided that they should take communism to the 'Masses'.

So, taking this message seriously , the 'General' decided to venture out to the forest. He did this since the latest census  still gave the non-humans a lead (in pure number terms)  over the human population. He also was of the view that communism may be at least viewed well by the non-humans. Our relatively young and dynamic general managed to find a group which he believed needed communism the most.        

It was the “worker bees”.He manged to attract a vast gathering of them by his very presence. . Below is the excerpt from this speech made to this large gathering,

" Dear Comrades,

                               I would first of all like to thank you for giving me a opportunity to speak. . It is a great pleasure to address such a huge gathering. I have never seen such a big crowd in my life and that too perched on a tree's bark. I have never seen such unbridled  communist enthusiasm anywhere. My friends, by birth you are designated as 'workers'.  It is a gargantuan capitalistic  conspiracy friends !;which has made you into a worker. You are asked to work for your capitalistic, profit minded 'Queen Bee'. I understand your pain; fellow comrades. You have to work without minimum wages and also under harsh labor conditions. There is only one solution for all this , my friends .Join our party!. We are currently the fastest growing party in Rajasthan; we have one of the oldest chief ministers in the country ( a lil senile maybe) and we had the unique distinction of being in opposition and also being in power!.Yes!, friends, we are certainly a unique party .We are still the only party which actually has an ideology different from others. We manged to bring the country to brink of elections for a nuclear deal. We are not ideologically bankrupt, we are still relevant as shown by our recent opposition to the nuclear deal. We don't believe that capitalism works although it does in the states we rule. We may be inconsistent in state politics ,but we still oppose all reform bills in the center in the name of ideology.

(After hearing a couple of yawns..he comes back to the point).

 If you join our party we promise the we will bring wage control to all worker bees , that is all of you shall work at least for minimum wages. You guys can decide my friends how much you want to be paid. Yes..friends, you can decide everything - no of leaves that you want to take in a year, your pension benefits, name it and we will have it included. Now, friends if you have any question ask me.”

From the back of the crowd,A bespectacled geek bee asked "'Worker bee - Queen bee' is set to be the perfect example of communist system where in which  everyone works for the prosperity of the state. I don't understand how you can label this as a "capitalistic system" ?

Gen:  Your are just as confused as our West Bengal CM's...Next question..

Another weired looking bee asked, "Communist manifesto does not make any mention of bees. How do you claim this system will work for Bees ? "

Gen: Updated version will be out shortly which will include all living beings. Thanks for pointing out the typo in the great book.

A few extreme right wingers standing in the front section of the crowd decided it was time to pull the curtains on the show. They decided to teach our general a lesson. They let out a cry "Jai bee mata ! " and  set about attacking our general .That unfortunately was the last we heard of our general.

*To be read as Politburo

Updates: Updated version of this post can be seen at http://mindry.in/blog/2008/12/15/birds-bees-and-communism/

20 Questions - Guess who!!

1) Is it a human being, Place,thing or a group of humans ?

A) Group of human beings

2)Are any of the members of this group alive ?
[ Possible answers- Yes , No , Unknown, Irrelevant, Sometimes, Probably, Doubtful]

A) Sometimes

3) Are any members of this group in India ?

A) Yes

4) Have they been in news recently ?

A) Unknown

5) Do the members of this group have any social skills ?

A) No *

6) Are the members of the group known to be violent?

A) Sometimes **

7) First Guess: Terrorists ?

A) NO

8) Is the group well known ?

A) Yes

9) Does the group contain members of only one gender ?

A ) No

10) Is this group registered somewhere ?

A) Doubtful


11) Do the members of the group communicate among themselves better than outsiders ?

A) Yes

12) When you meet a member of this group is it very apparent that they are the group members ?

A) Yes

13) Are the members of this group weird ?

A) Yes

14) Do they have a 'normal' sense of humor ?

A) No***

15) Guess 2 ) mad people

A ) NO

16) Were the members of the group existing in 19 centrury ?

A) No

17) Are they employable ?

A) YES


18) Do they use computers a lot ?

A) YES

19) Do they read any forwards ,links ,blog(such as this) online irrespective of the content ?

A) YES

20) Guess 3) Geek

A) Correct!

* Social skills on display in chat is not considered.
**Members of the group are known to show frustration on keyboard
***Geek jokes are not considered to be 'normal'.

Get our house in order first!

It was a cold breezy wet night, the now 'famous' last Wednesday. I was thoroughly drenched, on my way back, from our drama rehearsal. Being extremely tired, I hit the sack thinking probably nothing more than the terrible weather outside and the next day's work. Probably many Indians that night were doing the same ; thinking about similar mundane things. The next day morning I woke up to the screaming headlines of terror attack, which was all over the print, news media, literally everywhere. Like probably any other Indian that day I was shocked to hear the news, angry and probably at the same sad ,thinking about the fate of the so many lives which still hung in balance. All the conversations I had with everyone that I met centered on the Mumbai terror attacks. It is a week since those incidents unfolded but even now terror attacks still hold center stage in any conversations. This is not the norm. We, the people of this country are known to have short term memory. 'Mumbai terror attacks' was not the first one this country has seen but probably the most ugliest one. We have had terror attacks going on from many years now .However, after every terror attack we had continued to move on with over lives after at best, a brief period of terror talk. This now is famously termed as 'resilience'. This time the country has awoken to terror attacks in a fashion never before. However, this has raised a few concerns as well.

A week after the blast, 'anger' has probably replaced the initial feeling of shock and grief; a very natural emotion. But the problem with anger is that it tends to be irrational most of the times. Also, in most of the cases anger is directed against somebody or someone and not against oneself. In this case it seems to be against a certain country and religion. Although, such reasoning, albeit not unjustified, is dangerous. There is a danger that hatred will make us go completely blind. As they say "Eye for an eye and the whole world went blind", we will probably end up worse off than better if we continue to tread this path. In the past week blog posts and forwards have cropped up enthusing a path ultimately leading to a war with our neighbor. The basic premise of that argument is bombing Pakistan would somehow bring an end to all the terror attacks in India. Well, assuming India actually do get to invade Pakistan( it is quite improbable that so-called superpowers will allow that) and destroy all the terror camps, being labeled as the "root cause of terrorist activities" in India, will the problem go away? America after 9/11 treaded the same path bombing everywhere but where they able to stop terrorism -NO. They have failed miserably and have set a perfect example to us about what not to do. After 9/11 , a large number of Americans also bayed for blood , they got it, but did it help?

I agree that people who have done wrong must be held accountable for their deeds and a sincere and concrete effort must be done to stop terrorism. But, by targeting a nation or religion we will end up creating more terrorists than stopping them. Well, the next logical question that will be asked is what we should do then. If we are not supposed to bomb our neighbors who are clearly harboring terrorists how can we solve the problem? First and foremost we need to strengthen our border. Across the border intrusions must stop. Then, we will need to focus on how we can stop the terrorist activities in our country .As a wise man once said , "when we point a finger at someone else four are pointing back to us" .Before we think of how to sort the mess outside we need to clean up our country. I believe terrorism can only be solved through a "carrot and stick" strategy. (I am not contradicting myself..wait..let me continue).When I use the term 'Stick' I am not referring to all-out attack.(in essence a war). Calling ourselves as ' humans', a superior animal being, we should be able to think of better ways to solve this problem rather than indiscriminately killing each other. We will have to stifle the terrorism with constant pressure.

A lot of fellow citizens have now started leaning towards the so called right wing .They harbor a belief that a Hindu state is panacea to all the ills. But, what we need is in fact a secular state in truest sense. A state, where religion is nothing more than private practice, a place where religion has no bearing on everyday life. Terrorism has not begun without any reason although the very route the terrorist took is deplorable. Don't get me wrong there is absolutely no justification to their heinous crimes but there may be some reasoning behind them turning one. We will not solve the problem of terrorism completely until we figure out how another human being is turning into one.

To summarize, if we carry the belief that terrorism can be solved by a more competent government, better equipped defense and tit for tat strategy we will be in for a long rough ride. The kind, which is going on in several countries. But, if we can create a atmosphere by which there will not be a single terrorist from our soil then half the problem would be solved. Strengthening the borders to take care of intrusions would also from a important part of such a strategy .I know most of my fellow countrymen would not be satisfied with such an approach. A blood of a few innocent neighbors shall only give them a sense of satisfaction. We should threaten, flex our muscles with our neighbor but before all that we should first get our house in order.

Dear Beedi Nayi!

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When Miss maya met vobamma!

Vobamma ( not to be confused with local connotations of the same i.e. vob amma, o -bamma etc) on his maiden visit to India ,like those before him, was getting his photo taken in front of Taj Mahal.In an completely unexpected turn of events, miss Maya on her fund raising exercise in the Taj corridor, encountered Vobamma.

Please note :The following conversation that happened is strictly confidential.Please disclose it the risk of falling in a Jail anywhere from UP to the other side of the world.For the benefit of my fellow blog readers ,the conversation has been reproduced with translations of what miss Maya spoke in hindi to Local's English.

MM (Miss Maya) : Good Morning vobamma sirji.
Vob ( Vobamma): A very Good morning to you too miss.But, i frankly don't need any guide. Madam president was kind enough to do the honors.
MM (Getting a little angry but managing to keep the temper in control) :
No sirji..You are mistaken..I guess like me ,you also don't read much newspaper.I am "Vobamma of the east"
Vob ( Slightly disturbed this comparison.but trying to be his polished best continues): Hmm..I am sorry i was not aware of this.It is such an honor to meet you.But,i am just a little curious to what you do and how this name was bestowed upon you ?
MM:(Voice little raised) : I am the one and only miss maya ,the leader of all oppressed class and brahhmins.
Vob (More confused): I am ..sorry did not get the last part ..Are you from Bahamas ?
MM ( in her fiery speech mode): Listen now!I am Behenji? I am the future of this country.I am the harbinger of change.Unlike you i alone can change everything.A few miles from here i can make you a prisoner.
Vob (Now getting a little worried that he might have met a terrorist tries to calm things) : Oh..ok..great to hear that..Change is something i greatly believe in.It is time to change.I wish you all the best.(Trying the escape route).
MM: yes..you should see my statues instead of seeing Tombs..i have many..you should also visit my birthday bash..you can see how people chant my name..Infact if i had my way i would have demolished this place..but what to do there is another madamji in my way..otherwise..(lifting her finger)
Vob:(who had hoped after hallirey, he will get to meet less threatening women was now facing a unparalleled nightmare..he was even more scared of another figure madamji) Huh.ok..great to meet..you..i need to catch a flight..hope we dont meet again..bye
Vob then made a fleeting exit.

And thus two changes had a falling out..with one threatening to put the former in jail if any sign of the same was found in her territory.

little smartu America gou

Scene :Some arbit Gruhapravesham . Me accompanying dad on this voyage. Dad goes inside. Me sitting in a chair desperately waiting for lunch.Old gentleman comes and sits next to me and stares at me for about 5 minutes.I trying to avoid his gaze and then it starts..


NP( Nosy Prick): U narayana swamy's sonu ?
ME: Guilty as chargedu..
NP: what u saidu?
ME: Me Narayana swamy's sonu..( damn..no sense of humor)
NP: U r first sonu or second sonu ?
ME: First from lastu...(as i remembered he was humor senseless)..I quickly said secondu
NP: Where is he ?
ME: ( I am presuming 'he' now refers to firstu or father..i assume it is father and a golden oppurtunity to get out of the conversation)..father is somewhere insidu..shall i call himu ( i am like plz say 'yes')
NP:No..No..ur elder brotheru..
ME: ( In this very instant..who knows..who knows wat and all he does or doesnot) Nowu ?
NP: (annoyed) yes..yes..nowu.
ME: somewhere in usu..
NP:( face suddenly bright..he is all exicited)..u all people little smartu America gou..
ME: (damn u!..oldman..I am sitting in India..the guy who needs to answer this question is not here..I then made the first mistake of defending my bro)..No uncle,the educational institutes here are not as good as the one's their. So it makes more sense to go there and study.After u do that u realize there are no jobs in india for what u study so u will have to end up doing a job there.But the trend is going to change ( is changing) as better oppurtunities are created in India.
NP: (all along trying to interrupt to what i was saying blurts) What bangalore eductation no goodu( damn u..i was not even refering to bangalore i was talking abt the whole country)...who saidu..bangalore bestu..all s/w company hereu..all coming here.all worldu here.. ( With a winning smile)..( Dude s/w companies are not where u study)
ME: ( given up..now tried to employ different tatics)..Uncleu i am still in India..i have not decided wheather i will go for higher studies to US or not..
( i was hoping he would now say sorry atleast but it turned out to be the second mistake i made)
NP: U all tellu like that..and gou..all sameu little smartu America gou..
ME:(Take my mobile out of my pocket and press the first number on the contact list and tell uncleu)..someone is calling me unclu..execuse me..
NP: I heard no ringu..
ME: silent modeu..( then i start speaking)..hello dude how are u?
Guy on the other end of line: Dude you are calling me after 3 years
ME: First number i could dial da..have some mercy..
.......

A tale of Banyan Tree Gowaramma and Credit crisis!

Under a banyan tree ,under a translucent roof sits Gowaramma. She sits there all day. No, she is not Gautama Buddha reincarnation. She might ,in fact, be an antithesis of him. She is boisterous, loud and continuously speaking. A master of at least 5 languages ,she never misses a conversation. We will get back to her in sometime.

First ,the question - how do I know her? .The answer is simple - One of the unwanted side effects of staying in Bellandur has been to conjure a night meal. So this endeavor of night meals ensues that I buy some vegetables.( With reference to previous post I must add that I cannot cook food of ‘other’ kind ). So the first thing I did in my fresher heydays as cook was that I went to Subhiksha to buy up the vegetables. For the uninitiated /uninformed visitors I must add that is a retail chain. The chain has a very efficient supply chain (has no go downs -they replenish goods only when they can, not when they should) which allows it to sell at lower prices than its competitors ( supposedly ). But, the net effect of it’s optimization and cost cutting principles is that you almost never find whatever you are looking for whenever you go. (Maybe Murphy’s law also plays a helping hand).So, after the frustrations( less said about the cashier’s the better) in this only neighborhood retail store ( Other stores were/are a couple of Kms away and as a lazy soul was out of question)I had to venture to more exotic truly Indian options. A couple of years ago when I moved to this place the footpaths were filled by this exotic varieties – the footpath stores. However, with time most of them vanished giving way for bigger shops that refused to have their footpaths be blocked. But, the banyan tree was an exception. Cutting a banyan tree is out of question (thankfully) in this part of the world. So, the footpath stores remained there. Among them was one run by the person I was referring to above. I found the vegetables to be little fresher ( in the opinion of inexperienced cook).Also, prices better than our cheaper neighborhood store. There was however a far more important reason why I probably went there. I was always recognized every time I went there and every time she use to add a little more to whatever I take. For ex: After the weighing machine showed a kg of beans. She used to add a little more and say this is for “you”. “Eat more “. ( She has not seen my FAQ evidently).Although she probably does this to every one chivalry always works . She always used to say I am giving you whatever I might be buying at a special price. She always used to quote the regular price and the special price.(When someone says ‘a special price for you’, would you bargain.?!). I always ended up buying the vegetables under the banyan tree.

This has happened many a times in the last year and half .My attempt to conjure up a night meal always started under the banyan tree. However, this week I found her place to be closed. I had never witnessed anything of that sort but I thought it must one odd day off. But this continued for the next two days. I began to doubt if she had closed down. However much to my glee I found it open yesterday. I went to buy my share of vegetables. I found her to be extremely dull and down in dumps kind. I asked her what happened?. I am pretty sure she had to repeat this story but she still had some enthusiasm left in her to d o so. She had a ‘credit crisis’. She used to buy up vegetables in the morning on credit the money for which she used to return the next day. However, with a bad ‘lending’ market and her inability to return the money her credit facility was hit. (Very ironic how her problem mirrors the one’s in other parts of the world). The second problem she faced is of a fixed lending credit. She gets 5000 rupees of credit. So if the prices of vegetables go up, her purchasing power comes down. The next problem for her is the inherent problem of keeping perishable goods. The unpredictable buying patterns hits her very hard. She has an extremely complex problem everyday morning she has to second guess the buying patterns of her customers. The only information she has is the prices at which she gets the vegetables .Well coming back to the question of her disappearance she said she had to look for another creditor.( I am pretty sure she is heavily in debt). On hearing all this the very existence of her footpath store under the banyan tree seems like a miracle. I know the day will not be far off where she has to close for real. Her secret of survival has been her amazing marketing abilities. She first second guesses the language of the buyer. Speaks in the native language of the buyer. Always suggesting what to buy ( which would be the one which is not selling). She smartly deals with hard bargaining by the customer. She has at least two techniques – she tries the inflation one mostly these days..saying it is incredulous to even suggest a lower prices. Other one is probably by camouflaging prices by giving instant offers she comes up with offers like you buy 2 kg of this and that I will give you at this price. Also, I am pretty sure her weighing scales are skewed and her skillful handling of it helps offset the bargains to selling price. It will be a great loss when retail revolution intensifies to lose such street smart ,natural ,shrewd marketing talent. I know it is the will of free market she has to go.( @bro : if you are reading the blog, I have not forgotten me arguing in favor of free markets passionately last week and i still subscribe to the same views).
But, it will be sad for at least some more time as we would be left with mechanical cashiers and speech impaired helpers in the new age shopping malls.I remember once being asked to tender a exact change. ( which I of course I never had) .I said I did not have and said I can give my card. But I was told that the we don’t accept cards below a ‘x’ amount. I wryly asked “should I produce some coins”, to which without a smile I was told “I don’t know I want exact change”. I also offered to buy up ‘anything’ which would at least ensure that no change was paid back to me. To which I was told the bill has been printed and could not be modified. I of course left the shop without much ado without buying anything. I know such stores will get eliminated by free market. But, currently the retail chains seem to be still have scores of people who are like the ones described above. I know things are not as bad as mentioned always but pretty close. Hopefully an entrepreneur will come along and use the Midas touch of this street smart people like Gowaramma for their retail chains. Until then I will like the rest of the world keep hoping the “credit crisis” goes away.!

Praveen’s FAQ

In order to save time for everybody (and myself? –Doesn’t everybody include me?).

1)You have become thinner than the last time.

Although this is more of a statement than a question, I would like to add that ‘you’ had told the same the last time we had met. Assuming ‘you’ always speak the truth I should be becoming thinner every time we meet. If you still have not found the fallacy yet mister. I cannot help you but can only tell you the same thing I always tell when I happen to meet you “No, I weigh exactly the same”.


2)Why are you so thin?

If this is what u meant in question # 1 here is your answer. Please come to my ‘home’ and have a look at all the specimens around .If you find someone looking fatter than me we can discuss next time when we meet.

3)Why do you eat so less?

Refer next question.

4)How come you eat so much?

I have an invisible stomach whatever I eat goes there.This also explains why I am thin. For people with question # 3 give me a free lunch and then ask question # 4.

5)Where do you live?
Question depends on time and day of the week.

6)I meant where is your home?

Question depends on time and day of the week.

7)Damn..err..i did not get you..
On weekdays and during non-office hours there is a good probability that I can be found in a tiny house in Bellandur. Similarly on weekends there is a good probability you can find me in my house in ISRO Layout ( Technically my parent’s house).

8)Why so serious…?

I hope you are not the Joker. But if I am working in office I am looking forward to finish the work and make a run for the exit.The facial expression also depends on how much I abhor my work. Being a software engineer such work follows.

9)You hardly speak

Refer answer for Q 11.

10)You speak.

Refer answer for Q11.

11)You speak too much.

It depends on how well you know me and at times how many times I am interrupted and many a times the intellectual capabilities of my listener.

12)Why are you so fair?

I am actually very unfair if you happen to know me. But if the question had anything to do with my skin color I will let you in on a little secret. When I was born my mother painted my face with Asian Paints white emulsion. If you happened to see the ads of the same you would know that “it lasts really long” and it is weather proof also.
If you have any more questions on the same my mom could help you ,she would not mind divulging any such trade secrets.

13)Your hair is jet black.

Black paint..so easy.

14)Why do u keep smiling?
I hope you meet the person who asked question #:8 that would really save me time. But, since it is a FAQ let me tell you that I am a lazy bum. Whenever I see somebody instead of waving hand, saying ‘hello’, ‘good morning’ , I smile. It is a lazy man’s way of saying whatever is meant to be said at that particular moment. You could make a mental note that I am dumb if it helps you.


15)Your social skills looks challenged at times.
I am lazy.Which part did u not get ?. Saying Too many good mornings makes my day a bad morning..OK.

16)How was the pooja yesterday ( next day after a festival). ?

I am an Atheist. ….If you did not get it.. dictionary helps.
PS: Having an Atheist dad helps in having no pooja’s.

17)How many times did you give CAT?
I have forgotten to count ,but to be on the safer side can I say ‘several’ times..huh ok.?

18)Why does something happen to you around Exam time?

Maybe something happens to me all the time and exam comes in between. How does this sound ?

19)Why do you want to do a MBA?

This answer is saved for the interview. Sorry I can tell you next year maybe. (hopefully)

20)You are not to be seen on weekends?

Hope the last few questions helped you. If you want to see me then meet me in any of the mock CAT centers on Sundays. The probability of meeting me is very high.


21)How do u know so many ‘things’ about so many diverse topics?

I could be just knowing one topic more than you or I could be bluffing many topics I have no clue or I might actually be knowing something.( Knowing something probably means wikipedia or internet knowledge..hope u don’t plan to give me a exam .)

22)Why do you avoid weddings?

I hate everything except of course the food in weddings. So next time you invite me ensure that I first get to eat nice food after that I might just wish you and if am really feeling like a good Samaritan I might just give a gift (If I happen to remember). However the number one reasons for missing weddings would be that I am preoccupied with something else like the stupid ritual I follow on Sundays.


23)You never keep in touch with old friends.

Keeping touch was always mutual I thought.I think there are 2 guilty parties I am one but there must be someone else..if I am counting correctly.?


24)You don’t meet offline often.

Meeting folks happens to be elaborate exercise in negotiation skills – on time, date and venue. Since it has been proved that I am a habitually lazy guy ,show me some mercy. Meeting online happens to revolve around a few mouse clicks and keyboard which is easier?. Also, I am never overjoyed in any exercise which involves me driving my bike around half the city amidst the unending traffic mess ( Synonym: Bangalore as per oxford dictionary 2020 -). So here is the deal , do the planning make it a place not too far.( good food /free lunches can go a long way in improving my motivation levels), we shall meet I have no issues. I know it cannot be all about ‘ME’ but what to do. there is no laziness anonymous…so there is no other way.


25)You don’t drink any booze?

I don’t want to. Drink any alcohol..got it?..Dont ask me the same question when you are getting drunk again….


26)Do you eat any non veg?
Somebody decide to classify plants and animals and eating one as veg as non-veg. What should I do about i?.You would know both are living things if u had studied in school. U might ask me the question of ethics.Well what ethics is there in making paddy a crop and planting everywhere and then eating it. Well unless one can come up with completely synthetic food..everyone is ethically wrong to eat anything except salt. Also don’t give the explanation about how brutal and unhuman is it to slaughter animals. Yes of course the cries of an animal sound more cruel than the silent paddy which was also slaughtered. I do however agree that we should not eat any endangered living things( plant or animal). I also have no plans to eat any humans dead or alive. If you have still not got my answer, it is “I do “.
Ps:don’t even try the religion angle on this one on me.


27)You don’t dance.

Does jumping and howling count?..If not u have a challenge standing in front of you..Show some mercy ..teach!!.


If you have reached this point then it looks like you have a unanswered question. If so, shoot the question enough times I just might add it to my updated FAQ version ( whenever I actually decide to update).

Penned Up Emotion's

I am alone inside the dark cupboard. A thick layer of dust sits on me. All the fluid inside me has dried up. I am 'statue' for all practical purposes.But i am not a statue either. I am still alive. I can still be useful. In the hands of my master i can do many things. There was a time when my master used to use me,take care of me all the time. I am hero, was and still is.Now only in name. I still remember the day when i was picked up my master in the stationary shop.I was his first fountain pen.The very first!The unbridled joy and enthusiasm on his face still makes my day. .He was very young not more than 9 years old at that time.Initially he did not know how to fill the ink.He struggled for quite sometime. At times , his hands(eventually his face),shirt, hair were filled with ink stains. But overtime he mastered it. I was used for his Class work , Home Work, Unit Test, Class Tests, Mid term exam, Final exam and eventually even for the diaries he kept. His day began with me and ended with me. Then as he grew older he was introduced to my evil cousin ball point pen. They are useless bunch i tell you. They –use and throw types don't have a identity. I am pretty sure my master would have thrown loads of them in dustbin. However, those slim so called pens have destroyed our community. We are now relegated to the dark cupboard's. Only recently I heard there was a ad on the TV which involved one of members of the community. I hope the golden age will come back; at least for our community if not for me.

FuturePast!

Ravi was having a hard time sleeping. Infact it had been days since he had a good nap. He did not have any relationship problems, health problems nor anything out of the place in his room.But, Ravi still felt out of place.He felt like he was transported to another world.Infact it was more like one of those old black and white movies. He got up from his bed and went to the Window and looked outside from his 39th floor view. He  could see more than half the city, the place where he was born,grown up and lived all life. Once a view which captured the bustling city life now showed its exact opposite.World was dead outside, not from lack of people but from something else. That something else had been the heart of the civilzation for more than 150 years so much that its end  was unanticipated . Not completely though but still they had not prepared for it. It was always believed that it would last a few more years,few more months, and even in last hopeles hour people were hoping it would last a day. In disbelief of it's end there had been riots.( not the first one  on the same..last 5 years previous to that had witness quite a few).After, some senseless killings it finally dawned upon the humans that fighting,rioting would not get it back.Then, the whole world seemed to have become quite. The world which for ages was big was made small by that thing. The world was now back to it's old size.Distances mattered!.Again it was inconceivable to travel the seas.That something was "Fossil Fuels"..and that had crashed the world of so many peope like Ravi. Everybody had to travel back in time to past!

Resolution 2008

" He woke up to an irritating sound of dogs barking. He was very angry that municipal had not done enuf against stray dogs. The dog's barking irritated him so much that he lost his sleep entirely. He had a long day ahead of him, and this made his matters worse. It was 8:00 by the time newspaper was delivered. He lost his cool and blasted the paper boy.After he closed the door he was muttering to himself about 'how people in this country have no sense of time".. It was 9:00 by the time he finally got ready to head for his office in the so called "IT corridor".
It was 9:30 he was stuck in a jam .He could see a sea of cars,cabs,buses,two wheelers,autos,cabs everywhere. He was looking at the watch every two minutes hoping it would stop. He had a meeting at 10:30 ,having been late so many times before, could not afford to be late once more. He tried breaking through each jam speeding his bike as fast as possible,going on footpath, overtaking from left,right,center,he even jumped a traffic signal but all he could do was end up in the next jump. He honked his horn, muttered a word or two of unspeakable to a "uncle" who was driving on the left very slowly ( Right and center had two Volvo buses)..He finally managed to overtake that "loser" and he could finally see his company building on the horizon. Just as he was entering the home stretch he was stopped by traffic police, he had broken the one way rule. He was very angry and told the police this rule was unjustifiable.He also pointed that there were so many people ahead of him who were not caught.His words fell into deaf ears he was asked to cough up 500 rupees.He then decided that bullying technique wont work , so he asked to cop to adjust .He was told to pay 200 without bill. Seeing no other option he paid it.
He ended up late to the office, almost missing the meeting and got blasted.He told his sorry story to every soul he met. He was angry about the inefficient municipality who had done nothing to stray dog problem, to the late coming newspaper boy,horrible traffic,corrupt traffic cop. He menaced no words when he told his friends that "India sucks man!"..He was also of the opinion that democracy was the problem , he wanted a dictator to rule the country. He would always point out how china had done remarkable progress with communism. "
How many of us behave like this? .A lot( maybe not in entirety) .We need to change they way we view government. It is new year, a great time to make a new year resolution. I hope a few at least resolve to not blame the supposedly 'all evil government' , if not to bring a change ourselves.

PS: abt the china comment i have heard that many a times intend to write a entire post on it.